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541

YES I KNOW IT IS OLD BUT STILL WORTH POSTING

The Guy’s Rules

We always hear “The Rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

  1. Men are NOT mind readers.

  2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

  3. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

  4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

  5. Crying is blackmail.

  6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

  7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

  9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

  10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

  11. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

  12. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

  13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

  14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

  15. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials…

  16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

  17. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

  18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

  19. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

  20. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

  21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…really.

  22. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

  23. You have enough clothes.

  24. You have too many shoes.

  25. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

  26. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

542

:smiley:

So true…

543

ok. i have a story to tell.
now i don’t know if this is a true story or not. but it was presented to me as true. so assume it’s true. cause it’s funny as hell.
it is called the sh it zu (as in the dog, stupid filter).
my buddy heard the story while he was visiting USC, and retold it on the back of the bus returning from a track meet. so perhaps it doesn’t qualify. but it is funny. very funny. we couldn’t stop laughing for like 20 minutes. and anytime for the rest of the season anyone mentioned ‘the sh it zu (as in the dog, stupid filter)’ every one around who had heard the story just broke up laughing.
so anyway, the story:
so this guy is visiting his girlfriends house over break.
her parents are gone for the day.
the are watching tv. and then they start doing it. teh buttsecks.
in the midst of doing this, they hear her parents pull up. so the guy pulls out huriedly. i guess she had to use the bathroom. right after he pulls out a fatty log comes out. thats right. a dump. on the carpet. now what do they do. they don’t have much time. so they throw a blanket over it. the dad walks in (they must be clothed now). he is like what is that smell. he pulls the blanket off. “what is that!” he says. one of them stammers out…the dog did it.
the dad takes the dog out back…and…shoots it.

544

arrested development is funny as fook. watch some of the clips on youtube called chicken dance, return from whence you came, i jsut blue myself wtc. its best to get the dvds or something and watch from the beginning. tis the best show ever.

545

lots of ppl went to trouble to fill out the birthday box

546

Watch to see how many people get a drunk person on top of their leg or ankle etc. Athletes…parties are dangerous. Watch yourselves!!!

And of course have a good laugh at this.

http://nowenonline.blogs.com/northseamonster/files/DrunksDance.wmv

547

Carl Lewis does the US National Anthem…too funny.

Watch the video on our websites frontpage.

http://www.charliefrancis.com

Funny!

Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com

548

damn, that made me whince a little bit. :eek: Ouch. those falls suck

549

The one half way through of the Groom or whatsnot is awesome. Practically through himself on his back…HAHA

550

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jamJ4-C_TME

551

See, Carl actually does lift weights!

552

You are on a flight and the person next to you simply won’t stop talking! Get your laptop out, direct the screen towards him/her and…
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

553

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. “No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

554

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will

accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available.

555

556

That was funny!~

557

To the morons I encounter everyday-(no…not you). Source: Circulating online.

  1. To the old lady in line in front of me at Target who smells like cat piss: Please don’t pay for $25 worth of shit with a bag of change to only find out you’re $2.55 short. Also, don’t ask the cashier to re-count it. He already had more patience than I would have to count all those freaking pennies the first time around. How hard is it to go to the bank a block down the road to cash all of that in and pay with cash like normal people? I know they do it, I’ve seen it.

  2. To the people at Rainbow who can’t seem to figure out how to use the self checkouts: Jesus H. I’ve watched 7 year olds do it without any issues. Scan your shit, place it on the scale, and insert money. They even have directions in numerous places on how to use it.

  3. The dude who absolutely has to do his scratch offs on the counter when he buys them at the gas station. Is your gambling addiction that bad that you can’t get the fuck out of the way and scratch them off? You lose twice if you win and ask for more, while holding up the line even longer.

  4. The jackasses at the gas station that just walk in and hand the cashier $20 for gas regardless of the line. Yes I know it is a pain that you have to prepay for gas, but there’s a simple concept called a line. Wait your turn.

  5. To the fat women who can’t control your kids in the grocery store: Control your kids for god’s sake. I seriously question your parenting skills when your kids feel the need to chase around the entire store knocking shit off all over the place and running into my legs while you sit there and laugh your fat ass off.

  6. To the people who bring their 2 year olds to nice resteraunts: I understand baby-sitters can be expensive and kids can be hard to handle sometimes, but don’t bring screaming kids to a nice restrunt and just sit there while they pitch a fit. I would like to be able to finish my steak without rupturing my eardrums. Also, don’t give me a shitty look when I give you one. You know you’re in the wrong.

  7. Related to number 6, the people who bring their kids to rated R movies at 11pm. Myself and the 40 other people in the theater would like to enjoy the movie instead of listening to your kid scream. Take the little shit out of the theater. Why are they there in the first place? Most kids are put to bed before 10pm anyways. Get a babysitter you cheap fuck. And again, don’t get all pissy when people tell you to shut your kid up or give you bad looks.

  8. To the dude who lives on the other side of my duplex: Quit being a prick. You can do some of the yard work and snow shoveling as well. Also, get your washing machine fixed. It sounds like you’re working on a tank in the basement. If you don’t wanna get it fixed, at least stop washing your clothes at 5am. The fucking floor shakes. If you continue, I’ll start drumming at 2am or blast the loudest, most foul death metal I own until you stop.

The next time you lock me outside, I’ll shit in a box and mail it to you. If you hear me go outside (there’s no way you can’t) and see me in the backyard, don’t shut and lock the door.

Please stop telling my friends that I’m not home when they knock on the door. I’m fucking here, or they wouldn’t be coming over. It isn’t like I can’t hear you talking to them before I open my door. I’ll tell your pot dealer the next time he knocks that you don’t live here anymore.

Stop opening my mail if you accidentally get it. How hard is it to read a label?

Clean out your cat’s litter box. I can smell that shit from the hallway. On that thought, what in the hell are you cooking over there? It smells like burnt Indian food.

Quit accusing me of fucking up your computer to our landlord. Do you seriously believe I broke into your side of the house, ran upstairs, turned on your computer, and screwed up all of your passwords all in a period of 2 minutes while you were in the basement? Jesus Christ. Ray Charles could see through that shit. Grow the fuck up, you’re like 55.

  1. To the pricks who keep trying to break into my garage: Fuck you. There isn’t anything of interest in there anyway, unless you want a shovel or a rake. Get a job like normal people. I hope someone shoots you when you break into the wrong garage or house. If you feel the need to steal something out of there, take my neighbors shit. His stuff is on the left side of the garage.

  2. To the high schooler douche bags who drive like shit on the highway: Your rice burner looks like shit, at least paint your mod parts when you put them on your shitty car. Please stop riding my ass when I’m already going 85mph, I’ll just go slower when you pull that shit. I hope you crash into a retaining wall.

  3. To the bible thumpers who harass people outside of metal concerts: Go do something productive, like volunteering at a food shelter. No one there wants to hear you drone on about how we’re all going to hell for listening to metal. You’re just making normal Christians look bad. I’ll steal your bible next time and carve satanic symbols into it.

  4. To the fucktards that beat your wives/girlfriends: Its painfully obvious when you’re walking around a store with a girl who has 2 black eyes while you yell at her for everything she puts in the cart. You’ll get your turn one day.

  5. To the group home for slutty teen girls that is across the alley from my house: Stop parking your huge vans in front of my driveway. It takes me 10 minutes to try and back my car out without hitting something. Also, quit blocking the alley with said vans. Other people need to use the fucking road.

  6. To the jackasses with large vehicles/SUV’s: There is enough room in a parking space to place your vehicle without putting it 2 inches from my door. I’ll key your truck the next time I have to crawl into my car from the passenger side.

  7. To the people who stop in the middle of the road in front of Target to let your wives/girlfriends into the car. Its a nice thing to do, but if you have 2 carts worth of shit to load up, do it without stopping traffic.

  8. To the people who don’t understand how 4 way stop signs work: Who the hell taught you how to drive? Don’t honk your horn at me when you cut me off and throw me the finger.

  9. To the people who get pissed at the cashier when their credit card is rejected: You obviously have finance issues if all 15 of your credit cards get rejected. It isn’t the cashier’s fault.

  10. To the underage girls at the liquor store: Don’t get all uppity when the cashier asks for your ID when you try and buy some shitty flavored Vodka. You’re obviously not 21. The whole “I forgot my ID, can I just buy it anyway” shtick isn’t a new concept. Be more inventive than that, I figured it out. Plus, don’t ask me to go back in and buy it for you when you get kicked out. Most people weren’t born yesterday.

558

The Commission of Human Rights has finally approved this new International Symbol of Marriage after 5 years of very heated debate. The phrase “I accept thee and all thy Major Credit Cards” will now be written into all marriage ceremonies as of today.

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, “If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, "Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.

559

Too funny. Nice post.

Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com

560

Obviously a wealthy person’s opinion:

It’s hard to argue with this analysis…

A simple explanation as how the tax code works!

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner and the bill for all ten
comes to $100.

Understand, that just like government services that our taxes pay for, each of
the ten benefited equally, that is, they ate a dinner.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like
this:

  • The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

  • The fifth would pay $1

  • The sixth would pay $3

  • The seventh would pay $7

  • The eighth would pay $12

  • The ninth would pay $18

  • The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59,

    For a total of $100

So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the
restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one
day, the owner threw them a curve.

“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the
cost of your daily meal by $20.” Dinner for the ten now cost just $80. (Here
is The Tax break for the rich!!!, or is it?)

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first
four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the
other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall
so that everyone would get his “fair share?”

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that
from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up
being paid to eat their meal. So, the restaurant owner suggested:

  • The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings)

  • The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings)

  • The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings)

  • The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings)

  • The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings)

  • The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings… The least
    proportionate savings)

Each of the six paying customers was better off than before. And the first
four continued to eat for free.

But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings:

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to
the tenth man," but he got $10!" “Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth
man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than
me!” “That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back
when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!” “Wait a minute,”
yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The
system exploits the poor!”

As a consequence, the first nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for dinner, so the nine sat down
and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered
something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for
even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax
system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a
tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just
may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start eating overseas where the
atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.