Nice try, but, if you follow the tax example, the tenth guy would donate a 12 dollar painting, get it appraised for 1500 dollars and get a 750 dollar tax credit and eat 13 times for under a dollar while the middle four would make up the difference.
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and
then…
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case. 
A catholic priest has to use the restroom in the middle of communion. He sees John, the janitor, mopping up nearby and calls him over. The priest asks, “Hey John, would you mind taking confession for a minute so I can use the restroom. It’s urgent.”
The janitor replies, “I dunno father, isn’t that a sin? I don’t want no trouble.”
The priest replies, “It’s no problem. Just look here on the inside of the confessional, and match the sin with the number of prayers.”
So the janitor sits down and the first person in is a nyphomaniac woman. She tells the janitor, “Father, I can’t stop giving strangers anal sex. Any man I run into, it doesn’t matter, I’ve just got to give it up.”
The janitor looks up and down the list and doesn’t see anal sex anywhere. Luckily, he spots Timmy the altar boy nearby and asks him, “Timmy, what does the father give for anal sex?”
Timmy replies, “As of last week, 2 lollipops and a can of soda pop.”
I’m going to hell.
Keeping in the Valentine’s Day spirit…
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, “Do you know what it is?” “No, I don’t,” said the little boy. “Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.” Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, “Spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!”
NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.”
It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing “the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.”
After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
“Which of the following is the largest?”
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
“Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,” said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. “I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.”
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
“Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!” exclaimed Evans. “Darn. I think I better phone a friend.”
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
“Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!” said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. “Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.”
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
“Come on Betsy, are you sure?” said Evans. “How sure are you? Puh, that can’t be it.”
To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s advice and pick ‘The Moon.’
“I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,” said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
“Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,” said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. “But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.”
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, ‘The Moon.’
I was going to say no freakin’ way. Thanks for saving any time I wasted thinking about how dumb that lady was, John.
It’s Career Day at school and Mrs. Johnson is asking all the kids what their parents do for a living. The teacher asks Sally, “Sally, what does your daddy do for a living?”
Sally says, “My daddy’s a dentist.”
The teacher continues until she reaches a very sad looking Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny, “what does your daddy do for a living?”
Johnny says, “My daddy’s dead.”
Mrs. Johnson says, “I’m sorry, Johnny. What did your daddy do before he died?”
Johnny replies, “He turned blue and shit on the carpet.”
The proper way to pronounce Oklahoma is “Okla …homa”
http://www.charlirfrancis.com/
Next time you type CharlieFrancis.com , make sure you put the “e” after the “i” , otherwise you’ll be taken to the above link website.
Funny.
So when typing fast, your fingers can sometimes miss a key. Type with precision!
I never even saw the words …
Keep looking, zoom out!
Some of these are not so new. Many of them are quite amusing
…e.
New Words for 2007
TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see that’s going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.
SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” - needless paperwork and processes.
- Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake ( e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’)
GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.
AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.
GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:“Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!”.
MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got four buttocks.
SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP-DONKEY. A deeply unattractive person.
TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, West Virginia & South Dakota)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.Jeff Foxworthy On Manitoba…
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36" of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you live in Manitoba
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Manitoba.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Manitoba.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who Dialed a wrong number, you live in Manitoba.
If “Vacation” means going south past Grand Forks for the weekend, You live in Manitoba.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Manitoba.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Manitoba.
If you often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and then Back again, you live in Manitoba.
If you can drive 110 KM/H through 2 feet of snow during a raging Blizzard, without flinchin, you live in Manitoba.
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, You live in Manitoba.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Manitoba.
If you know all 4 seasons by: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Manitoba.
If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you live in Manitoba.
If down south to you means the U.S. Border, you live in Manitoba.
If your 1st of July bbq was moved indoors due to frost, you live in Manitoba.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Manitoba.
If you find -20 degrees “a little chilly”, you live in Manitoba.
If you actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to All your Manitoba friends, you live in Manitoba.
Oh man, I lost it watching this. LOL!
Gates vs. General Motors (GM)
Hi to you all.
Thought you might get a laugh out of this - how true.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…
Twice a day.
-
Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
-
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
-
Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
-
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
-
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation” warning light.
I love the next one!!!
-
The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
-
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. -
Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
-
You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.