Humor and things that make us laugh.

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501

ONE FOR KIWI JOHN, & friends from RSA

Beer

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

“In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same one twice,” he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to

pieces.

“Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out the same glass either,”

he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the

South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and

Kiwis that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice."

Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie, Oi Oi Oi

502

makes me want to post a lewylen starks pic

also he works for nike now and supposedly assulted a certain massage therapist at the USATF championships back in june. i had to use some tact and not come out and say it or link the indystar article but its been a long strange trip since his compound fibula and tiba fracture in the 92 new york games.

503

gee thanks :cool:

Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie, Oi Oi Oi
:rolleyes:

:smiley:

d_nasty, how the hell do you do that to your leg in a race?

504

He did that taking off in the long jump, such are the forces involved. Nobody should ever dis a long jumper. Now you know why.

505

Someone once told me long jumpers are failed sprinters :eek: what do you reckon KK? :stuck_out_tongue:

506

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen – thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it’s front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

507

Not much of a laugh, but it put a smile in my face… :slight_smile:

508

Treadmill dance

509

Press Release
International Rugby Board (IRB) Rugby World Cup 2007
Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the ‘Haka’ before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organizing Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

  1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no one appreciates them.

  2. The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents’ heads.

  3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

  4. Unfortunately the Committee was unable to accept the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual”.

  5. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own “Las In-Goals-Areas” and have to be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

  6. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim that they have been there for centuries.

  7. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a blockbuster film called ‘Saving Flanker Ryan’.

  8. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

  9. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female officials and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will flog to the crowd for a fortune.

  10. The Japanese will shock fans buy demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientific research buy harpooning an opposition prop.

  11. The French won’t have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match.

  12. The Australians will have a BBQ on their side of the field and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol will be in abundance and by the start of the game no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody good night.

  13. The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the first half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break. Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the Rugby World Cup due to lack of players.

  14. Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and filling it with burning embers. They invite the opposition over by saying, “We’d like to have you for dinner”. It’s only when the opposition get to the pit that they realize there is no meat and that they are the dinner!

Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems is this area of the game should cease to exists.

Regards,
Syd Miller
IRB Chairman
THE INTERNATIONAL RUGBY BOARD
Huguenot House 35-38 St Stephen’s Green Dublin 2 Ireland
Tel: 00 353 1 240 9200 • FAX: 00 353 1 240 9201

510

I first heard this in ‘The Boondock Saints’ … damn I love that film !!!

Some great scenes …

511

I’ve signed up for this - a great way to go:

Striptease send-offs at funerals may become a thing of the past in east China after five people were arrested for organising the intimate farewells, state media reported today.
Police swooped last week after two groups of strippers gave obscene performances'' at a farmer's funeral in Donghai County, Jiangsu province, Xinhua news agency said. The disrobing served a higher purpose, the report noted. Striptease used to be a common practice at funerals in Donghai’s rural areas to allure viewers,’’ it said.
Local villagers believe that the more people who attend the funeral, the more the dead person is honoured''. Wealthy families often employed two troupes of performers to attract a crowd. Two hundred showed up at last week's funeral. Five strippers were detained and local officials issued notices concerning funeral management’’, Xinhua said.
Now, village officials must submit plans for funerals within 12 hours after a villager dies. And residents can report ``funeral misdeeds’’ on a hotline, the report said.

512

At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly
lady
>struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
>
>Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together
>the next day.
>
>The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
>fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
>
>They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and
>the gentleman asked the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”
>
>All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
>passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
>
>When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened,
but
>he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.
>
>They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they
>came upon another fork in the river.
>
>He again asked the lady, “Up or down ?”
>
>There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made
wild passionate
>love to him again.
>
>This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go
fishing
>again the next day.
>
>She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when
>they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, “Up
>or down ?”
>
>The woman replied, “Down.”
>
>A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down
the
>river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,
>“Up or down ?”
>
>She replied, “Up.”
>
>This really confused the gentleman so he asked, “What’s the deal?
>
>Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you
made
>passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!”
>

>She replied, “Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I
>thought the choices were fuck or drown.”

513

(forum readers please excuse the low-rent humour: i don’t write 'em, i just post 'em) :wink:

New words for 2006

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see that’s going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” - needless paperwork and processes.

  1. Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’)

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

514

I’ve made a cynical laugh today.
Watched the news and saw that there was a terrorist attack in Turkey on the place where I ate some doner kebab 2 days before. Freaky shit.
I learned one thing from it: eating kebab is dangerous for your health :eek:

515

516

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get “those feelings” again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

517

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who
ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health
club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my
college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26yr old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me.

She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo !!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to
standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets
this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She
said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me
that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with
dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there
were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any
triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t
hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine
with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use
the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift
for me that is fun…
…like a root canal or a vasectomy.

518

Now that was funny. Nice post.

Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com

519

WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing only requires 4 correct answers out of 10)

  1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
  2. Which country makes Panama hats?
  3. From which animal do we get cat gut?
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
    5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
    6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after
    what animal?
    7. What was King George VI’s first name?
    8. What colour is a purple finch?
    9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
  5. What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below!

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ:
(Let’s see if you got 4 correct answers out of 10)

  1. How long did the Hundred Years War last? …116 years
  2. Which country makes Panama hats? …Ecuador
  3. From which animal do we get cat gut? …Sheep and Horses
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? …November
  5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of? …Squirrel fur
  6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? …Dogs
  7. What was King George VI’s first name? …Albert
  8. What colour is a purple finch? …Crimson
  9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from? …New Zealand
  10. What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? …Orange, of course.

What? You didn’t pass?
Most people don’t.
Send this on to your other brilliant friends

520

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1z6OCRJVks