Humor and things that make us laugh.

system · May 28, 2006, 10:05am

Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Become a subgenius.
Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Speak in tongues.
Move your roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”
Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” "Repo Man, “Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
Collect all your urine in a small jug.
Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ballpoint pens.
Smile. All the time.
Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.
Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).
Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why…” Be creative.
Shave one eyebrow.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
Cry a lot.
Send secret admirer notes on your roommate’s e-mail.
Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they’re not home, show them the magazines.
Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever you’re doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
Find out your roommate’s post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you’re holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
Follow him/her around on weekends.
Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don’t say anything, just stare.
Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.
Let mice loose in his/her room.
Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can’t answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don’t trust your ceiling.
Take your roommate’s papers and hand them in as your own.
Skip to the bathroom.
Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find them.
Whenever you’re on the phone and s/he walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
Use a bible as Kleenex.
Burn incense.
Eat moths.
Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
Collect Chia Pets.
Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
Wipe deodorant all over your roommate’s walls.
If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
Urinate in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn’t looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.
Don’t ever flush.
Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, “You shouldn’t have done that to me.”
Lick him/her while they are asleep.

No wonder you don’t have a roommate in there!!

system · May 28, 2006, 10:12am

Now that’s funny. Just plain tackey also, great marketing!

Rupert

mortac8 · May 28, 2006, 10:39am

Oooo ooo…the “Never-before-soon med ball work from the Omega Phase of Renegade Training!!!”

I think that may be the key to success.

Charlie_Francis · May 28, 2006, 11:37am

I was wondering who that might be till I opened it. Wow! Now that’s temerity, even for him!
First he claimed that he coached Ben, then, when caught, denied he ever said it and the newspapers and coaches who reported his claims were lying, but then went on to claim he coached Ben’s client, Maradonna. When Maradonna was asked about it by two Drs (the parents of a sprinter of my acquaintance) while awaiting Bariatric surgery in Colombia, Maradonna replied that he didn’t recall any such person.

Look up Davies in the archives for the full story and the details of his claims from the horse’s mouth- Buddy Morris, NFL S&C coach.
You might find some of this on the T-Mag website as well.

system · May 31, 2006, 11:37am

This is pretty funny. Submitted by a member.

John · May 31, 2006, 11:53pm

“Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” - Jono Gibbs - Chiefs

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” - Rodney So’ialo - Hurricanes - on University

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” - Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito

Kevin Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games “It’s basically the same, just darker.”

David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘David, I don’t know and I don’t care.’

David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first.”

“Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago”(Murray Mexted)

“Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.” (Ma Nonu)

“He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play.” (Murray Mexted)

“We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored.” (Phil Waugh Warratah)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” (Jerry Collins)

“That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.” (Tony Brown)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Tana Umaga)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious.” (Doc Mayhew)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”(Anton Oliver)

“I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better.” (Murray Mexted)

“I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.” (Ewan McKenzie)

Murray Deaker: “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?”
Tana Umaga: “On what ?”

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.”(Murray Mexted)

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.”(Murray Mexted)

“When you see a man on the ground your natural urge in go down on him” (Murray Mexted)

“when you see a man go down in front you you’ve just got to get in there and plug that hole” (Murray Mexted)

kitkat1 · June 1, 2006, 2:44am

geez, umaga distinguishes himself !

no23 · June 1, 2006, 11:59am

He must only open his mouth to change feet!

Smarrs · June 5, 2006, 12:20am

LEVEL 1:
It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers.
Just as you get up to leave because you have work the next day,
one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed friends.
Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, as long as
I get seven hours of sleep, I’ll be fine.”

LEVEL 2:
It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers.
You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf.
You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your
shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I
working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as
I get five hours sleep…I’m cool.”

LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila.
You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf.
And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman
I’ve ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the
bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just
because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, “Hey fellas,
if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it.
Tommy, you could cook.”) But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger…
and he’s buying. And you’re thinking “Oh, come on, come on now.
As long as I get three hours sleep…and a complete change of blood, I’m cool.”

LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call,
you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time
on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar.
Just because you don’t like his face! And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy
is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave,
right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar.
And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well…as long as
I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well…
STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going
to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around
, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I’m cool.

LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money
back at the tattoo parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Simon!!!”),
you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who
have been in prison as recently as…that morning. It’s the kind of place
where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine.
" At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something
from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you
think to yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!!” One of your friends
stands up and screams, “WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO VEGAS, BABY!!!”

and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part
of level five - the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do.
You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work,
or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say,
“Who’s Simon?” Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up all night,
it’s like a victory like you’ve beat the night, but if you’re over 30, then
that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear,
I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have
that little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”

Smarrs · June 7, 2006, 12:18am

If a Packet Hits a pocket on a socket on a port
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn’t hash
then the situation’s hopeless and your systems gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang
'cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

Herb · June 8, 2006, 12:02am

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why…

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

kitkat1 · June 8, 2006, 5:11am

A South African rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a New Zealand fan

are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of beer when, all of a

sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of

alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime

of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to

death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they

are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life

imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial

finished and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be

released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were

preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It’s my first

wife’s birthday today and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish

before your whipping."

The South African fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then

said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done but the pillow

only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment

was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African in horror

he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two

pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again

and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly ( in the proud

Aussie tradition of Kim Hughes and Bob Hawke ).

The Kiwi was the last one up but before he could say anything, the

Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of

the world and your culture with the haka and the All Blacks is one of

the proudest in the world. We Saudis recognise fellow warriors. For

this, you may have two wishes!".

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the New Zealander

replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you

give me not 20 but 100 lashes."

"Like your All Blacks rugby team you are honourable, handsome and

powerful, to say nothing of being extremely brave" the Sheikh said with

an admiring look on

his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your

second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

“Tie the Aussie to my back.”

John · June 8, 2006, 1:57pm

OMG a joke with a Kiwi in it and the punch line didn’t revolve around sheep shagging :eek:

…Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly ( in the proud Aussie tradition of Kim Hughes and Bob Hawke ).

Kim Hughes hahahahahhaa there’s a blast from the past

John · June 15, 2006, 12:20am

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Kapiti Ice Cream. And Satan said: “You want hot fudge with that?” And Man said “Yes!” And Woman said: “I’ll have one too . . . with sprinkles.”

And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.

And so God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: “Try my fresh green garden salad.” And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: “I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: “You want fries with that?”

And Man replied: “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said “It is good.” And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed . . . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

Satan chuckled and created The New Zealand Public Health System.

kitkat1 · June 22, 2006, 5:53am

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to hell where the Devil > >is Waiting for him.
> > > >“I don’t know what to do here,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but > > > >
I have no room for you, but YOU DEFINITELY have to stay here, so I’ll > > > >
Tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t > > > >
Quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you’ll have to take > > > >
Their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves. But your choice will > > > >
Be final.” > > > >George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. > > > >
The Devil opened the first room. > > > >
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
He kept resurfacing > > > >Over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.
No!" George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t > > > >
Think I could do that all day long.” > > > >The devil led him to the next room. > > > >
In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All > > > >He did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more > > > >Rocks appeared. > > >
“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be In constant > > > >Agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George. > > > >
The devil opened a third door. > > > >
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms > > > >Staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent > > > >Over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. > > > >
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally Bush > > > >Said, “Yeah, I can handle this.” > > > >
The devil smiled and said… “Monica, you’re free to go!”

John · June 22, 2006, 11:41pm

On her last leg…
It’s a very sad world we live in when Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all everyone wants to do is make jokes about her false leg.
Personally, I think it’s prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Sir Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney.
Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split.
“He has been my crutch for so long,” she cried. In an earlier briefing,she said “I have no idea why this has happened, I’m completely stumped.”

“She’s running around in circles”, according to a close friend,“she will need all the support she can get.It’s not easy to walk out on a relationship like this.”

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to her marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world emassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with the Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations. If an agreement hasn’t been signed, it is believed that she won’t have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. “She’s terrible,” a source stated,“always trying to get her leg over.”

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
“Macca couldn’t handle it anymore,” a friend said,“he would get home at night and find her legless.”
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.
Apparently she wants to keep the plane and says she’ll buy her own immac for the other leg.

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate, “Now I’m ****Ed, who will want a one-legged gold digger?”
His mate says “Try Paul McCartney.”

Q What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A The McCartneys

These jokes are funny but let’s spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he’s going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

system · June 23, 2006, 2:01am

She’s a pretty smart gold-digger. She’s getting 1million for every week they were together. Now, thats some serious bananas…

Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com

Nikoluski · June 24, 2006, 7:38am