With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world
at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of
a very important person, which almost went unnoticed
last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote “The Hokey Pokey”
died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic
part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble
started.
The BBC’s latest star - a baffled cabbie
22:56pm 13th May 2006
A computer expert has described his astonishment at seeing the BBC’s 24-hour news channel interview a taxi driver - in the mistaken belief it was him.
Guy Kewney - a white, bearded technology expert - was astonished to see himself appear on screen as a black man with an apparent French accent. He was even more shocked to see himself unable to answer basic questions about the legal battle between the Beatles’ Apple Corps and Apple Computer over the use of an apple symbol.
Mr Kewney, an IT journalist and founder of newswireless.net, watched as the cabbie, who has not been named, gamely attempted to answer questions fired at him by BBC consumer affairs correspondent Karen Bowerman.
The man, who had been waiting for his fare in the reception of Television Centre, found himself being ushered into a studio and fitted with a microphone after raising his hand when a producer called out the name Guy Kewney.
On his website, the real Mr Kewney, said that the man “seemed as baffled as I felt” when asked about the consequences of the lawsuit live on BBC News 24.
It is unclear why the driver identified himself when Mr Kewney’s named was called but it is thought he had been waiting to pick the computer expert up.
Only when Ms Bowerman announced live on air the name and title of the man who should have been there and asked the first question did the driver realise there had been a mix-up.
A BBC spokeswoman said: "Unfortunately we did make a mistake and the wrong person was interviewed briefly on air before we cut to our reporter.
“We apologise to viewers for any confusion.”
John,
this is sooo funny!! 
Next…
THIS GUY IS SO GOOD, HE DOES A DANCE MOVEMENT COLLAGE OVER THE LAST 40 YEARS OF ROCK-POP MUSIC…
Just imagine turning up for your job interview at the BBC and then getting interviewed LIVE ON TV when some producer mistakes you for an IT expert they are going to interview on the news! Well it happened to this guy… read on and then go to the link to watch the actual interview
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/4774429.stm
BBC News ‘wrong Guy’ is revealed
Guy Goma faced questions about the Apple vs Apple court case
Watch the interview
The true identity of a man who was mistakenly interviewed on BBC News 24 has been revealed.
Guy Goma, a graduate from the Congo, appeared on the news channel in place of an IT expert after a mix-up.
But Mr Goma, who was wrongly identified in the press as a taxi driver, was really at the BBC for a job interview.
Mr Goma said his appearance was “very stressful” and wondered why the questions were not related to the data support cleanser job he applied for.
The mix-up occurred when a producer went to collect the expert from the wrong reception in BBC Television Centre in West London.
This has turned out to be a genuine misunderstanding
BBC spokeswoman
The producer asked for Guy Kewney, editor of Newswireless.net, who was due to be interviewed about the Apple vs Apple court case.
After being pointed in Mr Goma’s direction by a receptionist, the producer - who had seen a photo of the real expert - checked: “Are you Guy Kewney?”
The economics and business studies graduate answered in the affirmative and was whisked up to the studio.
Business presenter Karen Bowerman, who was to interview the expert, managed to get a message to the editor that the guest seemed “very breathless and nervous”.
Mr Goma was eventually asked three questions live on air, assuming this was an interview situation.
It was only later that it was discovered that Mr Kewney was still waiting in reception - prompting producers to wonder who their wrong man was.
‘Happy to return’
Mr Goma said his interview was “very short”, but he was prepared to return to the airwaves and was “happy to speak about any situation”.
He added that next time he would insist upon “preparing myself”.
He later told News 24 that he had not yet heard whether he had got the job he had applied for. “I really want to work for the BBC,” he added.
A BBC spokeswoman said: "This has turned out to be a genuine misunderstanding.
“We’ve looked carefully at our guest procedures and will take every measure to ensure this doesn’t happen again.”
Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/1/hi/entertainment/4774429.stm
Published: 2006/05/16 09:15:53 GMT
Question: What is the Montenegro record in 100m sprint?
Answer: 30m!!!
Something from the funny but true dept.
Gino Vannelli is making a comeback attempt.
Check it out
http://video.sympatico.msn.com/v/en-ca/v.htm?g=2814e056-e10b-4063-8182-f27ee6547b4f&f=rssimbot_en-ca
I want hair like that…
Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com
You want hair like that? I’m pretty sure you can get it. Same place Ronald MacDonald gets his.
The banner proclaims it as The most imitated & Plagerized Company in the Health & Fitness Industry :eek:
Firstly the Ambiguous Ones:-
MAN FOUND DEAD IN GRAVEYARD
Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains
EX-ALDERMAN DIES - One of Eight Axed by Tories
Massive Organ Draws Crowd
POLICE MOVE IN BOOK CASE
UNDERTAKER’S FAILURES - Let Down by Customers
20 Year Friendship Ends at the Altar
THREE BATTERED IN FISH SHOP
Lucky Man Sees Friends Die
Man Recovering After Fatal Accident
STRIP CLUB SHOCK
Magistrates May Act on Indecent Shows
FALSE CHARGE OF THEFT OF HENS
Police on Wild Goose Chase
MAN DENIES COMMITTING SUICIDE
More Men Found Wedded Than Women
PRISONERS ESCAPE AFTER EXECUTION
PEER’S SEAT BURNS ALL NIGHT
Ancient Pile Destroyed
COUNCIL “DIGGING OWN GRAVE”
STRIPPED GIRL
-Yard To Probe
MOUNTING PROBLEMS FOR NEWLY WEDS
Onion Prospects Reported Strong
FATHER OF TEN SHOT DEAD
ARCHDEACON TURNS SOD
Porters March Over Asian Immigrants
NUDIST ARRESTED
Unclothed Man Admits Brandishing Gun
-Charged With Carrying Concealed Weapon
DEAD POLICEMAN IN THE FORCE FOR 18 YEARS
Woman Kicked By Husband Said To Be Greatly Improved
‘Leonore’ Only Opera Beethoven Wrote On Monday Evening
VOLUNTARY WORKERS STRIKE FOR HIGHER PAY
Police Found Safe Under Blanket
TROOPS WATCH ORANGE MARCH
SENATE PASSES DEATH PENALTY
Measure Provides For Electrocution
For All Persons Over 17
GOING TO AUSTRALIA FOR A WEE HONEYMOON?
-If We Can Fit It In, Says Couple
PROTESTOR TRIES TO SPOIL PLAY BUT THE ACTORS SUCCEEDED
CHANNEL SWIM EVENT
MONTY FLIES BACK TO FRONT
Eighth Army Push Bottles Up Germans
STERILITY MAY BE INHERITED
Incest More Common Than Thought in U.S.
THEY’RE OFF,
Harold Tells Queen
(London Evening Standard)
ICELANDIC FISH TALKS
Steps To Help Hill Farmers Urged
(Dundee Courier & Advertiser)
POPE DIES AGAIN
(British Newspaper 1978)
COLETTE: Grand Old Lady Of French Letters
(The Scotsman)
INSULATION: BRITAIN LAGS BEHIND
Equity Blacks Othello
(Daily Telegraph, London)
Negligence Alleged Over Loss of Leg
(The Scotsman)
Next the Headlines enhanced by Spelling errors:-
OFFICER CONVICTED OF ACCEPTING A BRIDE
Bride Of Four Mouths Sues Husband
Richard Burton To Teach English At Oforxd
HOTEL BURNS DOWN
Two Hundred Guests Escape Half Glad
RURAL COUNCIL DISTRICT BIRTHRATE HIGHEST FOR TEN YEARS
Human Killer Adopted
Then there is the amazing ability of headlines to state the obvious:-
MAN IS FATALLY MURDERED
Newly Weds, Aged 82, Have Problem
WIFE DIED AFTER ATTEMPTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE
Man Denies Committing Suicide
EVANS SAYS PUTTING MAN TO DEATH ELIMINATES
ALL HOPE OF REHABILITATION
Foul Play Suspected in Death of Man
Found Handless, Bound and Hanged
Council Claim Street Was Demolished By Accident
EX-BEAUTY QUEEN ADMITS SHE IS A WOMAN
Editors Blame Type-Setters
For Inakurate Spelling
And there’s more…
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Medical Terminology
Anally – occurring yearly
Artery – study of paintings
Bacteria – back door of cafeteria
Barium – what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel – letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section – district in Rome
Cat scan – searching for kitty
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her
Colic – sheep dog
Coma – a punctuation mark
Congenital – friendly
D&C – where Washington is
Diarrhea – journal of daily events
Dilate – to live long
Enema – not a friend
Fester – quicker
Fibula – a small lie
Genital – non-Jewish
G.I. Series – soldiers’ ball game
Grippe – suitcase
Hangnail – coathook
Impotent – distinguished, well known
Intense pain – torture in a teepee
Labour pain – got hurt at work
Medical staff – doctor’s cane
Morbid – higher offer
Nitrate – cheaper than day rate
Node – was aware of
Outpatient – person who had fainted
Pap smear – fatherhood test
Pelvis – cousin of Elvis
Post operative – letter carrier
Protein – favouring young people
Rectum – damn near killed 'em
Recovery room – place to do upholstery
Rheumatic – amorous
Scar – rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion – hiding anything
Seizure – Roman emperor
Serology – study of knighthood
Tablet – small tablet
Terminal illness – sickness at airport
Tibia – country in North Africa
Tumour – an extra pair
Urine – opposite of you’re out
Varicose – located nearby
Vein – conceited
English Around The World
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.
Dry cleaner’s, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
Sign in men’s rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Hotel notice, Tokyo: IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOTIS.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM’S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE’S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
From the “Soviet Weekly”: THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
In the window on a Swedish furrier: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
SOME CLASSIC ADDS!
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can
find in the cartoons and comic strips:
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale – Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges,
the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never regret it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
and Gardens.
For Sale–Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll
never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
Mother’s helper–peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
CLASSIC RADIO ADDS!
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for “High Fidelity,” designed
to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle
with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from
the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Over 100 Great Quotes!
“Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument
was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his
work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.”
-Gravestone Inscription
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of
us who do.”
-Anon
“Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)”
-Anon
“Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.”
-Anon
“If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re a precipitate.”
-Anon
“Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.”
-Anon
“Work is a fine thing if it doesn’t take too much of your spare time.”
-Anon
“Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.”
-Anon
“Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him.”
-Anon
“You’re never too old to learn something stupid.”
-Anon
“It’s not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.”
-Anon
“A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.”
-Anon
“If hackers ran the world, there’d be no war–lots of accidents, maybe.”
-Anon
“Hard work never killed anybody…but why take chances?”
-Anon
“Hire a teenager while they still know it all.”
-Anon
“When everything comes your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
-Anon
“Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA.”
-Anon
“Even if you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.”
-Anon
“One good turn gets most of the blanket.”
-Anon
“I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.”
-Anon
“A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injuries.”
-Anon
“God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with them!”
-Anon
“The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.”
-Anon
“So many cheques, so little money.”
-Anon
“Remember: ‘i’ before ‘e’, except in Budweiser.”
-Anon
“Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.”
-Anon
“As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.”
-Anon
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
-Anon
“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.”
-Anon
“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”
-Anon
“Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.”
-Anon
“Drag the Joneses down to your level. It’s cheaper.”
-Anon
“When all else fails, follow instructions.”
-Anon
“If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.”
-Anon
“Murphy’s Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.”
-Anon
“Honour thy error as hidden intention.”
-Anon
“Don’t judge a book by its movie.”
-Anon
“Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.”
-Anon
“In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.”
-Anon
“Practice makes perfeckt.”
-Anon
“If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.”
-Anon
“If at first you don’t succeed…forget skydiving.”
-Anon
“Love thine enemies…it really pisses them off.”
-Anon
“Everyone loves a moose. Some just don’t know it.”
-Anon
“A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.”
-Anon
“If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.”
-Anon
“Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.”
-Anon
“The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.”
-Anon
“Sex is nobody’s business but the three people involved.”
-Anon
“A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother.”
-Anon
“Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and
it holds the Universe together.”
-Carl Zwanig
“If at first you don’t succeed – give up! No use being a damn fool.”
-Anon
“No job is so simple that is can’t be done wrong.”
-Anon
“You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.”
-Anon
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.”
-Anon
“Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.”
-Anon
“There are two times I feel stress–day and night.”
-Anon
“A good pun is its own reword.”
-Anon
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.”
-Anon
“When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.”
-Anon
“Don’t use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.”
-Anon
“A steak a day keeps the cows dead.”
-Anon
“All general statements are false.”
-Anon
“Hellrung’s Law: If you wait, it will go away.”
-Anon
“Every silver lining has a cloud.”
-Anon
“The real world is a special case.”
-Anon
“Langsam’s Law: Everything depends.”
-Anon
“Most people deserve each other.”
-Anon
“Never tell them what you wouldn’t want to do.”
-Anon
“Silence is one great art of conversation.”
-Anon
“Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be.”
-Anon
“Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.”
-Anon
“There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head
for room.”
-Anon
“The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”
-Anon
“Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.”
-Anon
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
-Anon
“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
-Anon
“There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t”
-Anon
“The colder the X-Ray tube the more of your body is required on it”
-Anon
“Being Superstitious brings bad luck”
-Anon
“Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, according to Webster’s”
-Anon
“Get the facts first, then panic”
-Anon
“The reward for a job well done is more work”
-Anon
“One day when I saw a starving child shivering in the cold I looked up to
heaven angrily and said ‘God, how could you allow suffering like this?’.
There was a long silence, and then I heard these words, ‘I did, I made
you!’”
-Anthony DeMello
“The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink”
-Anon
“Patience will come to he who waits for it”
-Anon
“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up”
-Anon
“Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether”
-Anon
“What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over”
-Anon
“When in doubt, give advice”
-Anon
“After all is said and done, usually more is said”
-Anon
“All that glitters has a high refractive index”
-Anon
“Three can keep a secret, if two are dead”
-Anon
“Fool proof implies a finite number of fools”
-Anon
“Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.”
-Anon
“Money can’t buy everything. That’s what credit cards are for.”
-Anon
“The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don’t tell everything you know.”
-Anon
“Nothing is so smiple that it can’t be screwed up.”
-Anon
“Anything that kills you makes you…well, dead.”
-Anon
“Two wrongs don’t make a right–three lefts do.”
-Anon
“A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.”
-Anon
“The problem that infuriates you most is often the one God put you here to
solve”
-Gareth Littler
“Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job.”
-Anon
“A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.”
-Anon
“Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.”
-Anon
“After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat.”
-Anon
“Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.”
-Anon
“Be alert…the world needs more lerts.”
-Anon
“For every problem there is a simple solution, and it’s always wrong.”
-Anon
“Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.”
-Groucho Marx
“Gravity always wins.”
-Anon
“We are the people our parents warned us about.”
-Jimmy Buffett
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.”
-Anon
“No one is listening until you make a mistake.”
-Anon
“If you can remember the '60s, then you weren’t there.”
-Anon
Problems with MS Girlfriend 1.0
I’m currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and having some problems. I’ve been running DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have conflicted with it.I hear the DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if you run Girlfriend in background mode with the sound switched off. But I’m embarrassed to say that I can’t find the switch to turn it off. I just run them separately, and it works OK.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort it with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn’t have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and that eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it it gave me a virus.
I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system! I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can’t understand, much less e-program
Frankly, I think that there is too much attention paid to the look and feel and not enough to the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts. And I’ve never liked how Girlfriend is totally ‘object-oriented’. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girfriend. He discovered that GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a ‘huge resource hog’. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else.
One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can’t turn off. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway due to insufficient resources.
Anybody out there able to offer technical advice…
>> Date:Mon Jun 1 9:40:47 1998 GMT/BST
>> From:PW
>> If you run Wife1.0 for a while you may find you receive a free Baby1.0 (without manuals) after nine months. This uses even more Cache and often crashes at seemingly random intervals. Also, you can’t run Sleep1.0 for a good twelve months. That said apparently running Baby1.0 has lots of features which you only discover given time.
>>
>> Date:Mon Jun 1 9:53:07 1998 GMT/BST
>> From:Box
>> Trader I had a similar problem; found the solution was to install Shopping.Windows 98 - All versions of Wife, Girlfriend and Fiancee run perfectly under this, with just one main drawback - a continual decline of resources for MsMoney .
>>
>> Date:Mon Jun 1 10:40:46 1998 GMT/BST
>> From:Nervous
>> Have you tried Baby 1.0 release 2 (this is not just a maintenance patch) ? It seems to co-exist quite well with Release 1 (you don’t have to upgrade or de-install Release 1 before release 2) and, having had all the implementation and user experience with release 1, release 2 is a doddle.
>>
>> Date:Mon Jun 1 10:42:40 1998 GMT/BST
>> From:JJ2 hswt(nr)- PW:
>> I’ve sent off for my copy of Baby 1.0 - should be here in July sometime. Apparently I’ll have to run a complete uninstall on Going-Out 3.1 and in particular Pub Raider 4.2. Someone told me that Baby 1.0 comes with a freeware copy of Mother-in-Law which installs itself automatically and is very difficult to remove unless you uninstall Wife 1.0 at the same time. But I’m extremely attached to Wife 1.0 and will only consider this as a last resort. Any tips…?
>>
>> Date:Mon Jun 1 10:54:25 1998 GMT/BST
>> From:ChilliPepper
>> The problem with all versions of Baby is that they frequent purge their internal caches as well as producing unexpected dumps filling and sometimes overflowing the repository supplied for this purpose. This, the continuous leaks of internal resources and the frequent rejections of input (sometime delayed) would suggest an immediate upgrade to the newest version of Toddler. This in itself is not without defects however and is only available after a qualifying period where you have owned Baby for some considerable time.
>>
>> Date:Mon Jun 1 15:14:46 1998 GMT/BST
>> From:Spodfather
>> If you ask me, the problem with the Baby suite is the lifetime cost of ownership. Once you buy the software, you’re into a forced upgrade commitment, not only for the software, but all of the ancillaries and peripherals. The SchoolFees 3.2 plug-in for MSMoney, for instance. What really worries me is the number of users who fail to realise that well into the lifecycle you have to roll-out Teenager 1.x, with a sudden increase in resource utilisation, including the possible need to upgrade the platform to House 2.0, and the problems with bus bandwidth leading to the installation of Mini 0.8, which soon leads to localised crashing and massive resource use by Dr Watson.
>>