Humor and things that make us laugh.

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421

[i]Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? [/i]

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®. …

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

422

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Lets begin by reviewing some American history. Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.

“Very good Who said Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth”? Again, no response except from Suzuki. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.” he heard a loud whisper: “Fuck the Japs.”

“Who said that?” she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.” At that point, a student in the back said, “Im gonna puke.”

The teacher glares and asks “All right Now, who said that?” Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this” Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, Ill kill you.” Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, were fucked.”

Suzuki said, “The Taliban 2001”

423

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

“I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“Ahhh!” screamed the lawyer. “Wheres my Rolex!”

424

http://www.toilette-humor.com/computer-at-night.html

425

End of the World

http://www.killsometime.com/animations/animation.asp?ID=153

426

That is the funniest thing every!!! OMG

427

This equation should be taught in all corporations!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it means to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% ! in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% !

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

428

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when…

  1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

  2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

  3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

  4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

  5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
    don’t have e-mail addresses.

  6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
    is home to help you carry in the groceries.

  7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

  8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first
    20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
    around to go and get it.

  9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

  10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

  11. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

  12. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

  13. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this
    list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

429

430

The Drunk Pub…

431

Where is that place, it looks like the place i was at…(joke).

Seriously, where is it if you know?

Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com

432

BEST COMEBACK LINE OF 2006

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to under-mine the policeman’s credibility:

Q: “Officer…did you see my client fleeing the scene?”

A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of th e offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: “Officer…who provided this description?”

A: “An officer who responded to the scene.”

Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender? Do you trust your fellow officers?”

A: “Yes, sir…with my life.”

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”

A: “Yes sir, we do!”

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”

A: “Yes sir, I do.”

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”

A: “Yes sir.”

Q: “Now why is it, officer…if you trust your fellow officers with your life…you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”

A: “You see, sir…we share the building with the court complex, and SOMETIMES LAWYERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO WALK THROUGH THAT ROOM!”

The courtroom erupted in laughter an d a prompt recess was called

433

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas

Things I’ve learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding)

1- A kingsize waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

  1. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller skates, they can ignite.

  2. A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

  3. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls in a 20x20 room.

  4. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

  5. The glass in windows (even double-paned) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

  6. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh” , its already too late.

  7. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

  8. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

  9. Certain legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old boy.

  10. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

  11. Super glue is forever.

  12. No matter how much jell-o you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.

  13. Pool filters do not like jell-o

  14. VCR’s do not eject pbj’s even though the commercials show they do.

  15. Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise when driving.

  16. Always look in the oven before turning it on–plastic toys do not like ovens.

  17. The spin cycle on the washer does not make earthworms dizzy.

  18. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

  19. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

  20. 80% of the men reading this will try the clorox and brake fluid mix.

Those who pass this on to their friends, with or without boys do it because:

a. for those with no children- this is totally hysterical
b. for those who already have children past this age, it is hilarious.
c. for those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d. for those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e. for those who have not yet had children, this is birth control

434

What a nightmare! :smiley:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5F8X8A3nna8&search=maradona%20brasil%20brazil%20argentina%20guarana%20antarctica%20antartica%20kaka%20ronaldo%20nightmare%20pesadelo%20comercial%20duda%20soccer

435

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bl_wacky_building.htm

It is in Sopot, Poland.

Herb
CharlieFrancis.com

436

437

Subject: It’s a fact !

Not a lot of people know this,

> In the 1400’s a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
> his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the
> rule of thumb”.
>
> Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
> “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and thus the word GOLF entered
> into the English language
>
> The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred
> and Wilma Flintstone
>
> Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
>
> Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
>
> Coca-Cola was originally green.
>
> It is impossible to lick your elbow.
>
> The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
> 61,000
>
> Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
>
> The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
>
> Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in
> history:
>
> Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great
> Diamonds - Julius Caesar
>
> 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
>
> If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
> the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
> the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If
> the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
> causes.
>
> Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
> until you would find the letter “A”?
> A. One thousand
>
> Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
> printers all have in common?
> A. All invented by women.
>
> Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
> A. Honey
>
> In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
> When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to
sleep on.
Hence the phrase… “goodnight, sleep tight.”
>
> It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
> month
after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old
> England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
“Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.” It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it:-

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
> The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
> Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
> wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
> be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
> raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
> raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
>
> AND FINALLY~~
>
> At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow -
> make
that 100% now

438

Came across this today…

439

Do you think she’s offering?
… at least BC had ‘some’ class.

440

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
Out of breath he asked, “Please Sister, may I hide under your
skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later.” The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and
asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MP’s disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her
skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I
don’t want to go to Iraq .” The nun said, “I think I can fully
understand your fear.” The soldier added, “I hope you don’t think
me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have
seen a great pair of balls…I don’t want to go to Iraq either!”