wow this is classic.
Thinking Outside The Box
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
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An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
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An old friend who once saved your life.
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The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”
HOWEVER…, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
“Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I’ve just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.”
PM: “Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi’ll be ruined!”
Hilth Munister: “We’re going to hef to shup some in from abroad… Brutain?..”
PM: “No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!”
Hilth Munister: “What about Australia?”
PM: “Maybe - but we don’t want them to know thet we are stuck.”
Hilth Munister: “You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they’ll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!”
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold.
She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one…
…
…
…
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our f…in tent!
President Bush has just released a statement following his investigation into the New Orleans disaster - he’s blaming the whole thing on a Muslim suicide plumber.
President Bush has asked for pop groups to stage a benefit concert for the victims of New Orleans however Katrina and the Waves have been told their attendance are not needed.
The Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumours the Mardi Gras is cancelled. He says he’s expecting a record number of floats this year on Main Street!
Five African American men in purple dinner jackets & bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumour has it they were found under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
Eric Burden & the Animals are re-releasing their earlier hit, it begins “There was a house in New Orleans”.
Hurricane Katrina - typical woman! When she came she was warm, wild and wet. When she left she took the house and contents with her.
Two planeloads of volunteers left Las Vegas today bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.
Hi members,
Turn your speakers up for this one.
http://www.crapville.com/toon_holder.asp?ID=107
HaHa…yaaay
Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com
Damn Rupert! I don’t want to be alone with you any more! Go outside immediately and get some air. Otherwise you’ll be starring in your own version of “The Shining”! (Heeeeere’s Rupert!!!)
“I wonder what’s inside your dog, Timmy!”
“Look how easy my knife is cutting you, Timmy!”
“Your blood is so sweet, Timmy; taste your blood, Timmy!”
Lots of ideas, Rupert, thanks!!
Hahahahaha! Mr Happy Face!! 
ZEN AND WISDOM OF LIFE
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
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The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
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It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
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Sex is like air – it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
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Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
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No one is listening until you fart.
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Always remember you are unique – just like everyone else.
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Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
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If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of
c ar payments. -
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away, and you have
their shoes. -
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. -
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
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If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
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Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
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Don’t worry – It only seems kinky the first time.
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Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes f rom bad judgment.
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The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket. -
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-
Duct tape is like the Force–It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together. -
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
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Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our
ass…then things get worse. -
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night. -
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
-
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
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There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday…around age 11.
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Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
I’m feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go down the Queen’s Head with me and have a beer?”
But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the pub for a drink?”
But again, therewas no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen’s Head and have a drink with me?”
A little voice came out of the box:…
“I heard you the first time! I’m putting my F***ing shoes on.”
Oops!
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio.
BBC’s MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”
KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards’ tyre choice on World Superbike racing: “Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now.”
CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: “She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.”
WINNING Post’s Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy’s formidable lead: “Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees.”
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: “Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.”
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: “With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.”
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?”
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.”
THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott’s breath away…“My word,” he said. “Look at that magnificent erection.”
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: “They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions.”
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”
A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them … Oh my god!!! What have I just said!!!”
METRO RADIO - “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”
TED Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”
NEW ZEALAND Rugby commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”
PAT GLENN – Weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”
A bloke walks into his doctor’s surgery and proclaims to his GP that he wishes to become an Irishman.
“Mr Smith, that’s all a little bit sudden, why would you want to do that??”
“Well being English isn’t much fun, and the Irish just seem to get pissed lots!”
So the doctor has a think about it and says, “Ok. There is a procedure we can do, but it would mean taking away 1/3 of your brain.”
“Brilliant! Book me in for next Thursday.” Replies Mr Smith.
So the following Thursday Mr Smith is at the hospital awaiting his op when the dr approaches him and speaks to him trying to calm his nerves.
A couple ours after the op, the dr goes to see Mr Smith, and says “Unfortunately there’s been a bit of a mix up. We took 2/3 of your brain instead of the original 1/3.”
To which he replies “No worries mate, fair dincum!” in a thick aussie accent…
One gipsy from Belgrade…
My! You are hansome Duxx!
Tnx Charlie! 
Four time Olympic Champion Al Oerter shares an other aspect of his personality in his painting work:
http://www.aloerter.com/Paintings/paintings.html
More interesting than his “abstract” paintings are his “IMPACT” series, made in throwing a painted discus.
http://www.aloerter.com/Paintings/Impact_With_Disc/impact_with_disc_8.html
http://www.aloerter.com/Paintings/Impact_With_Disc/impact_with_disc_9.html
The print of the impact and the discus are presented together. Beside the obvious aesthetic qualities of this work, i was shocked by what i can interpret : the sexual energy coming from the painted impact (male) and the circular matrice (female). An extension of this work if showed during an exhibition could be the recording of the well-known shout (“aahhhh” or “ouuaaarrrghhhh”) of the throwers when they deliver the discus.
Subject: Karma
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
“Julie…Julie…” “Is that you, Joe?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.” “What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to
the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex
pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have
sex until late at night. The next day it starts all over again.”
“Oh, Joe, you surely must be in Heaven.”
"Not exactly … I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Tucson, Arizona.
An airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
served them food and drinks.
>>>>
you could just put up your trays that would be super.
>>>>
>>>>On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
>>>exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle.
>>>>
>>>>“Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you
>>>to raise your trazy- poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
>>>ground.”
>>>>
>>>>She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a
>>>Princess. I take orders from no one.”
>>>>
>>>>To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well,
>>>Sweet-cheeks. In my country I’m called a Queen, so I out rank you.
>>>Tray up, Bitch!”
“Who’s On First” – new version
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.