That was good. It sounds like another popular tool used for analysis.
Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com
This is nuts. He gets me everytime!!! Arrrrggg. I new computers can read minds!
-
The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
-
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
-
The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
-
The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
-
The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
andâŚ
- The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
> > >
(Hardly seems worth it.)
> > >
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
> > >
(Now thatâs more like it!)
> > >
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
> > >
(O.M.G.!)
> > >
A pigâs orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
> > >
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
> > >
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before
it starves to death. (Creepy.)
> > >
(Iâm still not over the pig.)
> > >
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
> > >
(Do not try this at ho me. Maybe at work.)
> > >
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the maleâs head off.
> > >
(âHoney, Iâm home. What theâŚ?!â)
> > >
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. Itâs like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
> > >
(30 minutes⌠lucky pig. Can you imagine??)
> > >
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
> > >
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
> >
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
> > >
(I still want to be a pig in my next lifeâŚquality over quantity)
> > >
Butterflies taste with their feet.
> > >
(Something I always wanted to know.)
> > >
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> > >
(HmmmmmmâŚ)
> > >
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
> > >
(If youâre ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
> > >
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
> > >
(OK, so that would be a good thingâŚ)
> > >
A catâs urine glows under a black light.
> > >
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
> > >
An ostrichâs eye is bigger than its brain.
> > >
(I know some people like that.)
> > >
Starfish have no brains.
> > >
(I know some people like that too.)
> > >
Polar bears are left-handed.
> > >
(If they switch, theyâll live a lot longer.)
> > >
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
> > >
(What about that pig??)
> > >
>
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive? Because itâs worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex? Because itâs no big deal unless youâre not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
Whatâs the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs
Whatâs the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
Whatâs the fastest way to a manâs heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They canât stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
Whatâs the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why donât bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
Whatâs the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? âAre you sure itâs mine?â
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts donât have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying âYo.â
Why do driversâ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him âSum Ting Wongâ.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? Theyâre hiring.
Whatâs the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with⌠âa recipeâ.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
Whatâs the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins âOnce upon a timeâŚâ -A southern fairytale begins "Yâall ainâtgonnabelievethisshitâŚ
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No oneâs tall enough to go on the good ridesâŚ
No Speaka de English
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
âEmma comefirst. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.â
âYou foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine,â retorted the lady indignantly.
âIn this countryâŚwe donât speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives.â
âHey, coola down lady,â said the man. âWho talkinâ abou ta sex? Iâm a
justa tellinâ my frienda how to spell Mississippiâ.â
The First National Bank wishes to inform all its clients that we are installing new âDrive-thruâ ATM machines, where you will be able to withdraw money without leaving your vehicle. Please follow the instructions that apply to you:
For our MALE customers:
- Drive up to the ATM machine
- Open your car window
- Insert card into machine and enter PIN
- Enter amount of cash required
- Retrieve card, cash and receipt
- Close window
- Drive off
For our FEMALE customers:
- Drive up to ATM machine
- Reverse back the required amount to align car window with machine
- Restart stalled engine
- Open the car window
5 . Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card - Turn the radio down
- Attempt to insert card into machine
- Open car door to allow easier access to ATM machine, (due to its excessive distance from car)
- Insert card
- After âInvalid cardâ is displayed, remove the Amex credit card, and insert correct ATM card
- Remove ATM card
- Re-insert card right way up
- Re-enter handbag, find diary with PIN written on the inside back page
- Enter PIN
- Press âcancelâ and re-enter correct PIN
- Enter amount of cash required
- Check make-up in rear-view mirror
- Retrieve card
- Empty handbag again to locate card holder and place card inside
- Place receipt in back of cheque book
- Re-check make-up
- Drive forward 2 metres
- Reverse back to ATM machine
- Retrieve cash
- Re-empty handbag, locate purse and place cash inside
- Restart stalled engine and pull away
- Drive for 2 to 3 miles
- Release handbrake
Subject: A wise old dog
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that sheâs lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard
heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, âOh, oh! Iâm in deep shit now!â Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, âboy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?â
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. âWhew!â
says the leopard. âThat was close!â âThat old poodle nearly had me.â
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, âhere
monkey, hop on my back and see whatâs going to happen to that
conniving canine.â
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, âwhat am I going to do now?â, but instead of running, the
dog sits down with her back to her attacker, pretending she hasnât
seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says: âwhereâs the damned monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring
me another leopard!â
Moral of this storyâŚ
Donât mess with old fartsâŚage and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.
The barman says, âYou ainât from around here, are ya?â
The guy says, âNo, Iâm from Canada.â
The bartender says, âWhat do you do in Canada?â
The guy says, âIâm a taxidermist.â
The bartender says, âA tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do
You drive a tixi?â
âNo, a taxidermist doesnât drive a taxi. I mount animals.â
The bartender grins and yells,
âHeâs okay boys. Heâs one of us.â
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldnât tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, âIs the coming winter going to be cold?â
âIt looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,â the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. âDoes it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?â
âYes,â the man at National Weather Service again replied, âitâs going to be a very cold winter.â
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
âAre you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?â
âAbsolutely,â the man replied. âItâs looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.â
âHow can you be so sure?â the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, âThe Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.â
This test only has one question, but itâs a very important one.
Try giving an honest answer.
You will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line.
You are in Florida.
Miami, to be exact.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper.
Youâre caught in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
Youâre trying to make a career out of shooting photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you.
Some are even disappearing under the water.
Nature is showing all of its destructive fury.
You see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away with the debris.
You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is . . Itâs George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under, forever.
You have two options:
You can save his life or you can take the most dramatic photos of your life.
So, you can save the life of George W. Bush or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the worldâs most powerful men.
Hereâs the question and please give an honest answer:
Would you select color film or would you rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Is Pavel Tsatsouline the Transporter?
A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said âHave you ever had a hug?â
The man said âNoâ, so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said âHave you ever had a kiss?â
The man said âNoâ, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f**ked
The fellow said âNoâ,
She said âYou will be when the tide comes inâ!!!
These have probabkly been posted earl;ier on this thread but whoâs looking . . .These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that youâve
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I canât remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, âWhere am I, Cathy?â
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isnât it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesnât know about it until the next
morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam???
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
Iâve heard this joke a little bit different and hereâs my version:
A man walks by a young girl sitting in a wheelchair by the lake in the park and he hears her crying.
He stops and asks her why sheâs crying? She says, âIâve never been hugged before.â So he leans in and gives her a hug.
He starts to walk away and she starts crying even louder. So he stops and goes back to ask her again, why are you crying now? The girl says, âIâve never been kissed before.â So he leans in and gives her a little kiss on the cheek.
He starts walking away a little bit faster and she starts bawling her freakinâ eyes out. A little perturbed but still concerned he goes back and asks her, why are you still crying?! The girls says, âIâve never been fucked before.â
So he leans down, picks her up out of her wheelchair and throws her in the lake. As he starts to walk away he yells back, ânow youâre fucked!!â
Iâve got another joke that Iâm going to direct as if I were telling the joke to Charlie.
Have you ever heard of the 4 types of orgasms?
Thereâs a positive, a negative, a religious, and a fake.
The positive goes, oh yes, yes, yes!!
The negative goes, oh no, stop, no more!!
The religious goes, oh my god!!
And the fake goes, oh charlie, charlie!!
Some might be offended or hurt, but, on the other hand, I donât mind cause youâre not my type anyway.
Black and white for me Kitkat.
This is just wrongâŚbut heyâŚAshley and Mary-Kate are funnyâŚ