Humor and things that make us laugh.

Members Area Off Topic Posts/Discussions
261

This was e-mailed to me from my dad who works in the Auto industry. These types of jokes are very common in the industry and are completly true. :eek:

A Japanese company and an American company decided to
have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams
practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance
before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward,
the American team became very discouraged and morally
depressed. The American management decided the reason
for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A “Management Team” made up of senior management was
formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team
had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.

To remedy the problem, the American management hired a
consulting company and paid them an incredible amount
of money. They advised that too many people were
steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

So, to prevent losing to the Japanese again next year,
the American rowing team’s management structure was
totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent
steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that
would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater
incentive to work harder. It was called the “Rowing
Team Quality First Program,” with meetings, dinners and
free pens for the rower. “We must give the rower the
empowerment and enrichments through this quality
program.”

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower
for poor performance, halted development of a new
canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital
investments for new equipment. Then they distributed
the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Thank goodness that this is just a story, and this sort
of thing doesn’t happen in real life, eh?

262

LAS VEGAS, April 21 AP - Police have arrested the woman who claimed she found a well-manicured finger in her bowl of chili at a Californian fast-food restaurant.
Anna Ayala was taken into custody at her home in Las Vegas.
The arrest is the latest twist in the bizarre case about how the four cm fingertip got into a bowl of chili.
Ayala had told police she found the finger while eating at the restaurant on March 22.
At the time, she said she had intended to sue but relented, claiming the publicity had been too emotionally taxing.
When police and health officials failed to find any missing digits among the workers involved in the restaurant’s supply chain, suspicion fell on Ayala.
The story has now become a punchline for TV comedians.
Ayala has a litigious history.
She has filed claims against several US corporations, including General Motors, though it is unclear from court records whether she received any money.
She said she got $US30,000 ($A38,700) from the american El Pollo Loco fast food chain after her 13-year-old daughter got sick at one of its Las Vegas establishments.
But El Pollo Loco officials say she did not get any money.
Earlier today, Wendy’s International Inc announced it had ended an internal investigation and could find no credible link between the finger and the restaurant chain.
All the employees at the eatery in San Jose, California were found to have all their fingers. aS WELL, no suppliers reported any hand or finger injuries, the company said.
Sales have dropped at franchises in Northern California, forcing layoffs and reduced hours, the company said.
Wendy’s also has hired private investigators, set up a hot line for tips and offered a $US100,000 ($A129,000) reward for anyone who provides information leading to the finger’s original owner.

263

True Stories - MEDICAL

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in
the
cab!”
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and
began
to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong
one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Antonio, TX
__________________________________________________________

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband
had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
the
family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

Dr. Susan Steinberg,
Manitoba, Canada
___________________________________________________________

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
“Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line
perfectly.
“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.
“Now both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the
large E
on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I
had
asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing
too
hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous,
Worcester, MA
___________________________________________________________

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications.
“Which one?” I asked.
“The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
I’m
running out of places to put it!”
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t
see…Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new
one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk, VA
__________________________________________________________

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
“How long have you been bedridden?”
After a look of complete confusion she answered…
“Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive.”

Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis, OR
__________________________________________________________

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
“So how’s your breakfast this morning?”
“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used
to
the taste,” the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labelled
“KY Jelly.”

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit, MI
__________________________________________________________

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple
hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing
strange clothes entered. It was very quickly determined that the patient
had
acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she
was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her
pubic
hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
“Keep off the grass.”
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient’s
dressing, which said ,
“Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

264

The Genius of Peter Kay (North Country Comedian for those who don’t know)
>
> 1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said,
> Thyroid problem?
>
> 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> realized that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him
> to forgive me.
>
> 3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice
> For
> ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
>
> 4) I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to
> go swimming.
>
> 5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t
> get on with my real ladder.
>
> 6) I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I
> ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
>
> 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
> But one day I turned to my bullies and said - ‘Sticks and stones may break
> my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! From there on it
> was
> sticks and stones all the way.
>
> 8) My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is
> probably
> why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
>
> 9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don’t have a good partner,
> you’d better have a good hand.
>
> 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
> said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.’
>
> 11) If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
> of
> meat?
>
> 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
> and
> give the wrong answers.
>
> 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
>
> Peter Kay’s questions…
>
> 1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
>
> 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
> to
> the core of the earth?
>
> 3. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
>
> 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
> is
> stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?
>
> 7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>
> 8. Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for
> centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
>
> 9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
> horrible crisp no one would eat?
>
> 10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
>
> 11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll
> squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?
>
> 12. What do people in China call their good plates?
>
> 13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
> don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>
> 14. What do you call male ballerinas?
>
> 15. Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?
>
> 16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
> 17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>
> 18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
> billion
> stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
> paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
>
> 19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>
> 20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets
> mad
> at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
> window?

265

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die, customer service being what it is today.

A relative died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it was nearly $60.00. Next of kin placed a call to Citibank:

NOK: “I am calling to tell you that she died in January.”

Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

NOK: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”

Citibank: “Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.”

NOK: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: “Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”

NOK: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”

Citibank: “Excuse me?”

NOK: “Did you just get what I was telling you–The part about her being dead?”

Citibank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” Supervisor gets on the phone:

NOK: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”

Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

NOK: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

Citibank: (Stammer). “Are you her lawyer?”

NOK: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

NOK: “Sure.” (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax: Citibank: “Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”

NOK: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”

Citibank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”

NOK: “Would you like her new billing address?”

Citibank: “That might help.”

NOK: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129, plot number 69.”

Citibank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

NOK: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?”

266

Subject: FW: A warning to all vulnerable men (that’s us, by the way - apart from the girls on the CF list)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and
local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink
from any woman.

Many females use a dating drug on the market called “Beer”
to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in
liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, from taps, and in large “kegs”. Beer is used
by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a
few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings
attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to
perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they
would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men
often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what
happened, feeling that “something bad” occurred. At other
times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s
savings, in a familiar scam known as “A Relationship”. It
has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even
be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a
longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as
“Marriage”. Apparently, men are much more susceptible to
this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by
the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you
fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues
in every town where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly
affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest
you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the yellow pages.

267

Subject: FW: Who siad spleling was imrpotant?
Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt! see waht I maen !

268

The results of the Ozwords comp where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by adding or subtracting or changing only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition.
billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work but is kept as a pet.

dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.

fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.

flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.

mateshit: all your flatmate’s belongings lying strewn around the floor.

podgie: a pregnant widgie.

shagman: an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.

yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.

bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.

crackie daks: ‘hipster’ tracksuit pants.

shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

technicolour lawn: the front yard after a rave party.

269

:smiley: My dear Soccerettes
I AM aware that there has been some concern raised following my takeover. Some have questioned my love of soccer and my lack of knowledge of the history of Manchester soccer club. This is unfair.
I know all about the players who made the side great — from the Buzzy Babes, through star quarterbacks like Roy Kane, wide receivers like David Beckham and Rian Gigs, the stoppers like Peter Smikel and the running-backs like the great duo of Steve and Bruce.
I know of the older players, too, like Derick Cantona and George Pest, so as you can see I am a real fan like you guys! There will obviously be changes to take us forward to next season’s Soccerbowl.
I have decided to give our most loyal fans a reward and home games will take place in the Epsom Arena, near to our main fanbase.
I have leased Old Trafford to the real Manchester side, who will use it for reserve games. The 80 seats for home games will be competitively priced at $5,000.
I have replaced the manager with a younger model. He may not be well known here but he has taken the Dallas Cowboys to many Superbowls. His name is Tom Landry.
Coach Landry has cut those strange brothers, the forgetful defender, that ginger bloke, the Welsh one and the Dutch one. We will be recruiting the best talent that the American soccer league has to offer in their places.
I hope this eases your concerns and, like me, you look forward to a very profitable future.
Malcolm

270

SAN JOSE, California, May 14 AP - The mysterious finger that a woman claimed to have found in a bowl of chilli at a US fast food restaurant came from a friend of her husband who lost the finger in an industrial accident.
The jig is up. The puzzle pieces are beginning to fall into place, and the truth is being exposed,'' San Jose police chief Rob Davis said. The discovery of the finger's owner marks a significant break in a case that has confounded California authorities for nearly two months, ever since Anna Ayala claimed she bit down on the well-manicured fingertip in a mouthful of her steamy chilli at a San Jose Wendy's restaurant. The case became the talk of the internet and late-night talk shows and spawned numerous bizarre tips and theories about the source of the finger, including one about a woman whose fingertip was bitten off by a spotted leopard kept as a pet. Authorities said last month they believed the finger in the chilli story was a hoax, and they arrested 39-year-old Ayala at her home in Las Vegas and charged her with attempted grand larceny for allegedly trying to shake down Wendy's. But whose finger was in the chilli remained a mystery. The owner was traced through a tip made to a Wendy's hot line, Davis said. He said the man lost the finger in December, and authorities positively confirmed that this subject was in fact the source of the fingertip’’. The nature of the industrial accident was not disclosed.
Davis said the Nevada man, whose name was not released, is cooperating. The police chief would not say if the man was in on the alleged hoax.
Investigators had initially believed the finger fragment was a woman’s because the nail was well-trimmed.
Police believe the man gave the finger fragment to Ayala’s husband, Jaime Plascencia, who was arrested this month on identity-theft charges unrelated to the Wendy’s case.
During the investigation, Wendy’s said no employees at the San Jose store had missing fingers, and no suppliers of Wendy’s ingredients had reported any finger injuries.
Authorities reported that there was no evidence the finger had been cooked, and also said Ayala had a history of filing claims against businesses.
Sergeant Nick Muyo said someone other than the man who lost the finger called in the tip to the hot line.
Wendy’s has offered a $US100,000 ($A130,000) reward and has said it has lost millions in sales since Ayala made the claim while visiting her family in San Jose. Dozens of employees at the company’s Northern California franchises also have been laid off.
Wendy’s has not yet given out the award. Company spokesman Bob Bertini said officials need to talk with police to determine who should receive it.
In a statement, the company praised San Jose police and said the latest evidence vindicates its employees.
We strongly defended our brand and paid a severe price,'' said Tom Mueller, Wendy's president of North America. We are extremely proud of our employees and franchisees who have suffered the most, and we are forever grateful to our many customers who have supported us during this difficult time.’’
The franchise where the finger claim was made saw an immediate 60 to 70 per cent drop in business, said Stephen Jay, marketing director at JEM Management, which owns the restaurant. Business is still off 20 per cent, he said.

271

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany,Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… you know… they have frozen glasses… "
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

“But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..
“LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER…GOT IT, ASSHOLE?”

…and, they lived happily ever after.

272

Hahhaha…that was great.

Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com

273

Lol, this was inrcedilble to me,
and as a very poor egnlish wrtier, this thing makes me feel i litle bit “normal” now.

274

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and
shoots the glass to pieces and says:" In Sath Efrika our glosses are sao cheap that we daon’t need to drink from the same one twace."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: “Well mate, in Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass twice either”.

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many f*cking South Africans
and Australians that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice. :eek: :smiley:

275

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for many years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try
and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5 and SportOnTv 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried the Shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my
system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run the new version, Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually
upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded
further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with bonuses such as FreeSexPlus and
CleanHouse2004.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically
stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Mobile Phone, Explorer and e-mail filter, and can, without warning,
launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShopBrowser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Another problem is when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to MyCar hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 comes with an irritating pop up called MotherInLaw, which can’t be turned off.

Recently I attempted to install Mistress 2003,
but there could be problems. A friend of mine alerted me to the fact that Wife 1.0eventually detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all your Money files before uninstalling itself. :smiley:

276

Hi KitKat…

Funny. I like jokes (ones you can read).

Rupert

277

Subject: The difference between potentially and realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.”

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars… but Realistically,… we’re living with two Sluts and a Queer.”

278

APOLOGIES IF THIS IS ALREADY ON THE THREAD.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mick behind him, “My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mick replies.
"There’s a diagnostic computer down at Woolies. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds

and costs ten dollars … a lot quicker than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He
deposits ten dollars , and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a print-out: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies"

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Woolies , eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars , pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer
prints the following:

  1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

  2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

  3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4 Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer (1st
floor).

  1. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
    better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies .

279

>> >1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
>>ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
>>
>> >
>>
>> >2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my
>> >electron.”
>>The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
>>
>> >
>>
>> >3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you
>>but don’t start anything.”
>>
>> >
>>
>> >4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t
>>serve food in here.”
>>
>> >
>>
>> >5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
>>
>> >
>>
>> >6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
>>“A beer please, and one for the road.”
>>
>> >
>>
>> >7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this
>>taste funny to you?”
>>
>> >
>>
>> >8. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That
>>sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” “It’s Not Unusual.”
>>
>> >
>>
>> >9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
>>“I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said
>>Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
>>
>> >
>>
>> >10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
>> >to
>>look at either.
>>
>> >
>>
>> >11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
>>
>> >
>>
>> >12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s
>> >cross-eyed,
>>is there any thing you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have
>>a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he
>>says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “Why? Because he’s
>>cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
>>
>> >
>>
>> >13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t
>>find any.
>>
>> >
>>
>> >14. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
>>
>> >
>>
>> >15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
>>

280

A man is golfing on a new course one day, he gets lost and asks a lady what hole he is on, she goes im on hole 8 your on 7, your a hole behind me. He continues playing his round and get lost once again, what a dumbass. He again asks the lady what hole he is on, she tells him im on hole 14 your on hole 13, your a hole behind me. The man finishes his round and proceeds to the clubhouse where he meets the lady again. They get to talking and he asks her what she does for a living. She responds, ah i can’t say you’ll just laugh, after he promises he will not laugh, she tells him, i sell tampons for a living, he busts out laughing, she questions his laughter and responds, i sell toilet paper for a living and im still a hole behind ya.