There’s no doubt he Power Cleans !!!
Serious extension and speed through the door … do you train him Herb??
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
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Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
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Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
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Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
-
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.
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Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat’s head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. -
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
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Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
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Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to partner’s forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
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Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
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Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
-
Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
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Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat’s throat to wash down pill.
-
Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
-
Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local
pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
- Wrap it in bacon.
I just read today that Winston Churchill’s pet Parrot from WW2 is STILL ALIVE. In the Globe and Mail today, Jan 20th, page A 14 “Churchill’s peevish parrot not quite as vulgar at 104”, it was reported that the parrot was returned to the family that sold it to Churchill after the great man’s death in 1965. It is now 104 years old!
Apparently, it has mellowed from the days during the war, when the mention of Hitler’s name would send it off swearing up a blue streak (wonder who it got that from?), but it still dances when it hears music!
(This was NOT the parrot that starred in the Monty Python sketch)
Speaking of Monthy Python, here is the best site I have come accross. It has all the skits and heaps of info.
There is one serious design-flaw here though. The limit seems to be somwhere around the 320 mark, but it would be better to have it around the 300-meter mark. 320 meters is in the middle of nowhere. There is no inclination to try just one more time.
A sub10 run is still magic even though it has been done before, but a sub 10.20?
True. But if I ever run a 10.20 you will the party I have around the world. Just the type of guy I am
It a relieved my mood no end though 
Hi All,
I had to post this, I thought it was funny, a little brutal,but fun nonetheless.
Dear Terri:
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore.
I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
And this is what my heart says… “There’s no one like you, Terri.”
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn’t believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man’s dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before. I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little.
Later, after I’d tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there, Terri, to watch. Do you know that I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby.
Jesus, Terri, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we’re fucking in our old bedroom. And this broad’s a total monster in the sack.
She’s giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid.” (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That’s the saddest part of all for me.
But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders.
She’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She’s pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)
So we’re drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here’s this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let’s face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18.
And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Shannon’s really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It’s true, baby. In your heart you know it.
Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that if you’d just try it, I wouldn’t have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can’t be apart from you.
Because I love you.
Subject: Fw: 2010 Olympic Questions
Now that Vancouver has won the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!! These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. The responses were
obviously given by a Canadian with a good sense of humour.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants
grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: We still use Beaver pelts.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… . Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night-clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns.(USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first
JasonUk’s post about Malachi Davis and the British media are waiting for him to fail and in true media style “I can see the headline: America born sprinter slips in Greece” and if he does well he’ll be known as “Brit Malachi brings home the Gold.” reminded me of this email doing the rounds over here …
UK SWAT Interview
In a British program about Samuel L. Jackson and Colin Farrell’s lastest movie SWAT presented by British presenter, Kate Thornton, the following exchange occured:
THORNTON: What was it like working with Colin (Farrell), cos he is just so hot in the U.K. right now?
JACKSON: He’s pretty hot in the U.S. too.
THORNTON: Yeah, but he is one of our own.
JACKSON: Isn’t he from Ireland?
THORNTON: Yeah, but we can claim him cos Ireland is beside us.
JACKSON: You see that’s your problem right there. You British keep claiming people that don’t belong to you. We had that problem here in America too, it was called slavery.
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It’s too late - 15 times
I’m too tired - 42 times
It’s too early - 12 times
It’s too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”
Love, Your Wife
Snappy Answers
When someone questions the obvious give them back a snappy answer. 
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention please,” she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. “F*** you!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”
And the VERY BEST snappy answer …
Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.
How To Beat A Speeding Ticket.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
I know what day of the week you were born.
I was so poor growing up … If I wasn’t born a boy … I’d have
nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s
nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work … I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy … “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said,
“Because you came home early.”
It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid … When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.
I was such an ugly baby … My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.
I’m so ugly … My father carries around the picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father … I’m very sorry … We did everything we could …
But he pulled through.
I’m so ugly … My mother had morning sickness … AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost … I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him … "Do you think we’ll ever find them?
He said, “I don’t know kid … there are so many places they can hide.”
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I’m so ugly … I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I’d get.
I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror … I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?”
He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
taken from ebaums my last few
Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year the Wong’s have a new baby. The
> >>nurse brings to them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
> >>Caucasian, white baby boy. “Congratulations,” says the nurse to the
> >>new parents. “What will you name the baby?”
> >>
> >>The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, “Well, two
> >>Wongs don’t make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting
> >>Wong.”