Was that one of the Pentagon’s photos?
Things that can happen when you pick your nose too aggressively!
“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.”
“Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.”
“I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.”
“There’ll always be an England, even if it’s in Hollywood.”
“It gave dirty politics a bad name.” - on the Watergate affair.
“I always like to go to Washington DC. It gives me a chance to visit my money.” - On touring the US Treasury.
“My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.”
“The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie - and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark…”
“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.”
“It flies so high, I swear I heard the organs playing.” - On travelling in Concorde.
“Lots of travel, away from home.” - Explaining his long and happy marriage.
“I’ve got to watch myself these days. It’s too exciting watching anyone else.” - At the age of 91.
“I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.”
“If I had that kind of money, I wouldn’t come to Vietnam, I’d send for it.” - Denying reports during a Christmas troop show in Saigon that he was worth 500 million dollars.
“Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless.” - On hearing about his 1998 knighthood.
“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”
“I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
“She said she was approaching 40 and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.”
“If you haven’t any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.”
“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
“I do benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”
This is an article in a paper.
A toy firm has axed a vibrating replica of Harry Potter’s broomstick after mums complained their daughters spent too long riding it.
Makers Mattel advertised the battery-operated toy as having “a grooved stick and handle for easy riding”.
One mum in New Jersey, US, said “What were they thinking of?”
Another in Ohio told of how her 12 year old daughter played with the broomstick for hours.
She said: "she likes its special effects - so does her 17 year old sister.
Anyone 4 quiditch 
wingardium leviosa lol
sorry my neices made me watch it :rolleyes:
Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down
next to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being
able to contain her curiosity any longer, and finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as
tennis elbow?”
hmmmmmmmmmm
What the !@*#?
DINNER CONVERSATION GONE BAD…
> >
> > WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
> > HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
> > WIFE: “Why not - don’t you like being married?”
> > HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
> > WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
> > HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
> > WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).”
> > HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
> > WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
> > HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
> > WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
> > HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
> > WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
> > HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
> > WIFE: - - - silence - - -
> > HUSBAND: "Shit.
That is freakin’ hilarious. I love it.
Euro announcement
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has
been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that
English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year
phased
plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”.
Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c”
will
be replased with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year,when the
troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like
“fotograf” 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of
the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al
wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is
disgrasful,
and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
“th”
by “z” and “w” by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be
dropd
from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to
ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze
forst place.
kitkat1, check post #199, page 14. ur a bit late with that one 
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her
husband’s sex drive. What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor?
“Not a chance,” says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin
for a headache.” “No problem, replies the doctor. Drop it into
his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and then call me in a
week to let me know how things went.”
A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor, and he inquires as to
how things went. “Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was
terrible, just terrible, doctor.”
“What happened?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The
effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his
eye and with his pants bulging’ fiercely!!! He swept the cutlery
off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then
proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop
for hours!! It was terrible!”
“What was terrible?” said the doctor. “Was the sex not good?”
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll
never be able to show my face in Tim Horton’s again!!!
I couldn’t resist:
When actors have to come up with their own lines. . .
“I have no experience, but I guess they’re different from dogs and horses.”
-Bo Derek, on children
“If I’m androgynous, I’d say I lean toward macho-androgynous.”
-John Travolta
“The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.”
-Sylvester Stallone
“There is no capital of Uruguay, you dummy-it’s a country.”
-Lorenzo Lamas, to Jon Stewart on The Daily Show
“I feel my best when I’m happy.”
-Winona Ryder
“Sure the body count in this movie (Die Harder) bothers me, but it’s what everybody likes. At least it’s not an awful body count-it’s a fun body count.”
-Bonnie Bedelia
“In an action film you act in the action, in a drama film you act in the drama.”
-Jean-Claude Van Damme
“You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin.”
-Laura Dern, on Jurassic Park
“I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”
-Alicia Silverstone
“He’s the chief, right? What else is there to say? It’s not bad sleeping with Einstein.”
-Lara Flynn Boyle, on then-boyfriend Jack Nicholson
“My main hope for myself is to be where I am.”
-Woody Harrelson
riiiiiiiight…
Every year we grow more and more dependent on the Internet. But would you know what to do if your connection suddenly went down?
No one knows when the Internet will fail. It could happen at any time, leaving you bereft of your e-mail, your sports scores, and your Blogs. Therefore, it’s important that you and your family has a contingency plan for just such an emergency. If your connection to Cyberspace were to ever get severed, you should at least be prepared. We have included a few key points that should assist you if that were to happen.
-
Panic!
An excited, agitated state will give you that heightened sense of awareness and will increase your thought processes allowing you to come up with rational solutions. Panic is just nature’s way of putting your body into over-drive. It’s a defense mechanism that gives you an edge when dealing with potentially harmful situations, such as a severed arm or the loss of your Internet. -
Find A Telephone
Do you have access to a telephone line? Early computers connected to the Internet using a dial-up device along with a hardware device known as a “modem.” Since this technology is obsolete, it will be of no use to you. Instead, use your telephone to call your friends to see if their connection is also down, as you will have lost the ability to send an email or an instant message. You can also use a telephone to call 911, an emergency service that will first tell you to calm down, and then will send out specially-trained technicians to find the source of the Internet’s failure. -
Use Your Back-Up Computer
It’s always good to have an emergency laptop handy, in case you need to harry over to a buddy’s place where the Net is still up. If there is still no Internet at that location, at the very least you could connect to a small network or LAN (Less-than Adequate Network). Laptops can also be placed on tables at coffeeshops, while you sit around with a latte, nervously waiting for your connection to be restored. -
Install A Game
In emergency situations, installing a single-player computer game can occupy your down-time. While it won’t replace the adrenaline rush of intense networked multiplayer action provided by the Internet, a quick game of Sim City or Flight Simulator may distract you long enough for your connection to return. -
Perform Routine Maintenance
While programs such as Norton Antivirus have removed most of the tedium of computer system maintenance, nothing could help pass the time faster than cleaning out your hard drive, emptying your cache, or organizing your celebrity fake porn collection. Take the time to stare at your screen while you perform a defragmentation. The time will literally fly while you barely notice your separation from the Internet. -
Turn On A Television Or Radio
Televisions, strange boxes that sit in your parents’ living rooms, were once used to provide entertainment, long before DVDs and Playstations were invented. Televisions have the capability of broadcasting streaming information similar to the content on multimedia websites. With a “remote control,” a wireless device that is like a small one-handed keyboard, you may be able to surf a limited number of “channels,” while you deal with the loss of your connection. Unfortunately, television is only a one-way media.
In ancient times, radios were also used to entertain. A radio allowed you to listen to news, sports, and music, much the same way that you listen to live streaming audio on a Shoutcast server. Like the television, a radio will only have a limited selection of listening stations, and no video. Hopefully your separation from the Internet will be brief.
-
Read
People in pre-Internet times used to read “books” and “magazines”, written materials once created in printable format to pass the time. Some e-books are still available on paper, and may offer a short-term solution until your power is back and your broadband is restored. If reading is not an option, as a last resort, you may wish to try doing “chores,” or try your hand at cooking. While these activities cannot replace the Internet, they may be able to make the down-time a little more tolerable. -
Go Outside
The idea of leaving your workstation may seem a little extreme, but you can perform errands that you normally get parents or spouses to do: grocery shopping, drycleaning, etc. Leaving your dorm room, basement, or above-garage apartment suite, may be risky, but again, the time may afford an effective distraction from your Internet woes. NOTE: Be careful to avoid the sun, because your pasty white skin will not be used to the exposure. -
Spend Time With Your Spouse
Communicating with your wife or girlfriend may seem like a radical suggestion, but the time investment may offer long-term rewards. Spending any amount of time talking about your “relationship” may free up more Internet time for you later on, when your ADSL or Cable link to the World Wide Web has been restored. WARNING: These will probably be the longest hours of your life. -
Use Your Emergency AOL Disk
If you find that your connection to the Internet is going to be longer than you can possibly stand, as a last resort, pull out an emergency AOL CD, the one with 910 free hours of connection to the AOL service. Take the CD in one hand…and slash it across your wrist! Suicide will probably be a better alternative than connecting to that service.
Hopefully some of these Internet alternatives will be able to assist you during an offline crisis. Emergency radio broadcasts will likely advise you of the state of the Internet and be able to predict when your bandwidth will be restored, but remember to have an emergency plan in case your digital detachment is longer than you expect
Here’s one for all you Canucks.
Winter Driving Tip
> It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
>almost
> zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the
>parking
> lot and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her
> car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
> She then remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a
>blizzard she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That
>way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much
>better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she
>started to follow it.
> As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they
> continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard
>conditions.
> After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when
> the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car
> and signaled for her to roll down her window.
>The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she
> had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine
>and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snowplow when caught in
>a
> blizzard.
>The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could
> continue, if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot
>and was going over to Canadian Tire next.
Ouch…
Should be classified under “Things that make us cry…”
Sorry to those who are squeamish.