… aw just a few more …
you grunt and groan so everyone looks at you.
When you bench a blind man could drive a bus under the arch,
Meanwhile the whole gym turns to see where the ‘crack’ sound is coming from while you bounce the bar off your sternum
You wear a belt when curling
You 1/4 squat with heel raises and 2 towels across your shoulders
You have a beer belly and you’re doing crunches to get the ‘burn’
It takes you longer to get all the bandages and strapping on before a training session than it does to train
yeh - Squating is bad for the back
When you finish a set you just HAVE to DROP the weights on the floor in the loudest possible way!
Your training ‘program’ comes straight from one of the Weider mags - It HAS to be good as it’s the very one used by some drugged to the gills pro-bodybuilder.
When a person claims that the barbell bicep curl is a compound lift, because it uses both arms
When a person claims they are training for “functional performance” yet do tricep push downs
When a person bases their strength result on isolation machines only, and expect it to transfer to real life:
“Hey, I back extension the entire stack on the machine! How come I can’t lift up this 50 lbs bag with my back?!”
Refers to the chin up as “the wrong way” to do a pull up
Believes that “today’s lifts” (leg extension and bicep curl) are far more efficient than those out dated exercises (one armed dumbell snatches, bent presses, turkish get ups)
I had to join in for this, despite being just a lurker.
You take every available plate from the leg area and place it on the leg press machine, then move the plates approx. 1" up and down for a couple of reps.
You then leave every plate on the leg press machine and walk away…
Probably to then do a weeny 80lb dumbell bench press, of which you can manage a couple yourself, the other eight with your spotter and then you drop them onto the floor in a loud crash as a crescendo to your amazing feat of strength.
If the gym has TVs, you turn up the sound and stand there watching.
You do anything involving the Smith Machine.
You work as a personal trainer.
You do everything standing on the Swiss Ball including taking a piss.
You feel the need to wear very short shorts.
You feel the need to break profuse amounts of silent heavy wind then walk away.
You stare at a person lifting instead of working out and minding your own f-ing business.
You try to talk to someone in the middle of a lift.
You use the gym for socializing instead of working out.
When ugly chicks ask for help learning how to use nautilus equipment; especially when there is a diagram and instructions right on the freaking apparatus.
Monday evening I’m in the gym warming up my lifters when two guys throw open the door and strut over to the power rack like they own the place. Disappointingly, they remove the pins from somewhere about shoulder level and replace them down at hip level Thus follows the most bizarre session in recent memory. They load a wopping 50kg on to the bar and immediately proceed to do 5 repetition negatives complete with grunts and shouts of ‘NO PAIN, NO PAIN’ from the spotter (who was getting a great pump on his traps…)
Now this was funny enough but the guys immediately superset this with a bizarre form of pressups. The ‘spotter’ alternatively pushed down on his companion and then hoiked him back up using a towel around the waste. THis continued among ear shattering cries until the guy on the floor could no longer support his own 65 kilos body weight…
After 3 ‘sets’ of this carnage they pick up their towels and strut back out, pausing only briefly to take in my 60k lifter snatching 80k+…
You do 17 different variations of bicep curls every workout so that you can really impress the women when summertime comes around.
When you catch site of a pretty girl in the gym, you put a sock down your pants, only at the ass end instead of the front.
You practise your smile in front of the mirror when no one is looking. As soon as someone catches you, you turn your smile into a grimace and fake an injury.
You do twice as much work on the arm you like to hang outside the window while you’re driving because you think this really turns women on.
You bring spray-on deodorant to the gym, but instead of using it for its intended purpose, you use it as a hair spray substitute ‘just for good measure’.
You take everything your personal trainer says as gospel even though your personal trainer worked at McDonalds the previous week.
You take out a personal loan to pay your personal trainer.
You buy supplements at the front counter of your gym at double retail price because your ‘personal trainer’ told you they will make you freaky strong and ripped.
You choose the gym membership that gives you 10 free tanning sessions because you believe a nice tan will turn you into a babe magnet.
You do all of the above as well as buying a convertible red sports car and then try to figure out why you still can’t get laid.
You think that anyone who can squat over 450lbs and bench over 250lbs ‘just has to be juiced’.
You can leg press 1000lbs with a 3 inch range of motion, but end up doing a face plant when trying to squat 250lbs below parallel.
You run ‘pro races’ in Australia just so you can tell everyone you are a professional sprinter. In actual fact, you are incapable of breaking 11 seconds for 100m and the only races you’ve ever won occurred when you started 6 metres in front of the guy off scratch.
You rarely compete in sprinting, but strut around the track in your bodysuit just to give the impression you are/were a great sprinter.
You say that all athletes should stick to the leg press because the squat is too dangerous for the back and ‘just not worth it’.
You continually remind people that you were once the under 12 state champion, but conveniently forget to mention that you hit puberty 3 years before everyone else.
You have studied and consider yourself to be an expert in exercise physiology and biomechanics but have never heard of the names Siff, Verkoshansky and Zatsiorsky.
You think that the only difference between a Paul Dicks press and a regular bench press is that the Paul Dicks press is performed with your dick hanging out.
You can bench press 300lbs on a Smith machine but just can’t understand why your 1 rep max with a barbell is just 95lbs.
You like to wear knee wraps while doing the bench press because you think it ‘really helps to improve your leg drive’.
The bench press has not built up your chest at all, but your spotter has a world class set of traps.
You tell every high school kid in the gym that you were once a national champion powerlifter/weightlifter but have 27 different excuses why you’re unable to lift heavy anymore.
THat’s a WHOLE new class of weenie