Ahh… I need to write somewhere… this is usually the place…
I don’t know what I want to write, as usual… perhaps some venting with no clear destination. As it should be.
I am on a strange platform, I can’t describe it as settling, or comforting - it is emotianally intense and frustrating, and there are times of peace and tranquility, and times where I wish there was a heavy bag and a pair of boxing gloves in my room.
Ping pong is not helping. The table is too small.
The weather is too crappy for tennis.
And my violin is back home.
Sister is too far for floor wrestling.
Training takes care of this excess sparkling energy, for two hours daily, but the rest can only be resolved with art, which makes me THINK… and too much thinking is not too good. Or is it?
Anyhow, I immediately fall into the zone… I blank out my mind, and an hour can go by as quickly as the speed of light. Sometimes it is astonishing to see that during that long time I was only working on one small chunk of the drawing (in the case of a carefully crafted one…), and then I glance at the time, and wonder where the time went. But the world becomes one crystallized mass of energetic lights, and I see that “time” sucked into the drawing… in a multi dimensional view of a pitch black mysterious background… I know it sounds strange… but it is what I see - and quite beautiful, to say the least.
I have lost patience with logic, systematic pre-tested approaches, rationality and conscious awareness. I don’t feel crazy… But just lacking the common sense.
It becomes hard to communicate my real thoughts, at times.
And the concept of perfection is more than ever troubling. Not in the sense of losing faith in it, but in the sense of shifting levels to approach it, and self-judging the priority of those levels and importance of each…
I am sure they are all critical and crucial in self improvement. I have a friend who became a song writer and singer, and sings “lack of perfection makes us whole”. I like that line, interpreted in the way that the assured knowledge of lacking makes us subconsciously dream about the whole >> so we get better by default - if we are subconsciously strong enough, that is…
With that said, I wish me happy dreaming tonight =)
Steph, I must’ve read your last post 5 or 6 times trying to pull meaning from it and I think I know what you’re going through. That having been said, it’s just my opinion and it may be totally wrong, but bear with me.
What I get from reading your writing is that you’re split between two desires. On one hand, you want to see the world, to learn and experience everything there is to offer. The world is your oyster and you’re itching to discover your pearl.
On the other hand however, you’re still very attached to the things you’re used to. You love your family. You love the comfort familiar people, places, and activities provide. And in going out to seek new experiences, you are being forced to part with your old practices.
This split in your wants is causing some mental turmoil.
Beyond that, it just sounds like you’re tired of work and academia. This isn’t too much of a problem though, as you know where your outlets are (track, painting, etc.). Trying to more accurately express your concerns and thoughts would probably do you good though. I know writing always helps me, especially when it’s an attempt to break my problems down and understand them one piece at a time.
All in all, if my assessments were anywhere near correct, I would suggest you keep doing what you’re doing. And though your love for exploring and experiencing new things may pull you away from the comforts of your family and routine, remember that those things will always be there when you get back. So enjoy the world while you can, but never at the expense your relationships you hold most dear.
And above all, keep smiling. It’ll help in more ways than you’d possibly believe.
Although I am not really tired of “academic” work, as you describe. I love learning things, and I am pretty much getting paid to read and write on things that I am interested in.
I don’t even remember what I wrote yesterday and what kind of mood I was in ( :o it happens often… ), and I honestly don’t feel like re-reading and trying to analyze my past thoughts, but one thing is for sure: that whatever decisions I ever made that currently puts me where I am, I do not regret for at all… and if I did regret anything, I would change it in an instant.
Instincts are great, and emotions are a terrific guidance to what needs to be done currently, and next …
With that said, I do agree that writing is a wonderful tool. Thoughts sometimes are so abstract and undefined, that writing (or drawing) about them leads to great findings
Raining.
Morning training feels like crap. I don’t know how to wake me up.
Isos
2x30m (4.75, 4.57) Isos
2x30m (4.75, 4.68)
Evening training:
Raining.
When I race indoors next week, it needs to be raining and dark… And after 6pm. Isos
2x30m (4.55, 4.35) Isos
Harder rain… 2x30m (4.22, 4.25) Isos
Longggg full day…
P.S. I hate how the track is only open from 10:00-20:00 here… =(
other P.S. I ate 3 chocolate bars today… I was having a crisis, especially after morning session!!
thrid P.S. I met 3 Greeks today. They said that now that they found me, they will not leave me alone. Help …
fourth P.S. In a phd meeting we presented ourselves to a group of professors, talking about our design philosophies, and once again in my life, I felt like an alien. One professor told me that my way of thinking is too abstract and irrational, and it is not the way they think here.
what time do you do the morning stuff?
What time do you wake up?
P.S. that doesn’t appear too bad, when do you want it to be open?
third P.S. you are like a stalker magnet :eek:
fourth P.S. please tell me really didn’t use the word irrational :mad: Next time someone says that just bleat like a lamb and when they ask why you did that say I thought we were meant to act like sheeple
Morning stuff was at 10am today, and also will be tomorrow.
I wake up at 8 for those. What is your suggestion?
P.S. I want it open at least till 10pm… because i have meetings that seem to be extending beyond 6pm sometimes, and then I am the crazy one again :o who needs to rush out to sprint in the pouring rain to sprint on time
And it should at LEAST open at 8am… What if someone wants to train before morning obligationssss?
third P.S. my mom toldl me recently to stop being too nice with people and they will go away. :rolleyes: Strange thing here is that lately I’ve been in my anti-social mood, but they still keep coming.
fourth P.S. John, I sense some bad experiencs with the word “irrational”
I am actually flattered by his comment :o
Those bolded times are wrong… because for the last two reps I switched my marks on the track (rugby players…) and this morning I realized I mismeasured.
I met an Andrea something today (and his ex coach), he used to run against Kenteris and also won the European Championship once, if I googled him correctly, then he is Andrea Longo. But I am not sure.
Anyway, he wanted to reqruit me in his group, but they were doing like a million 300 repeats with 100m walk recoveries and several pass outs in between… :rolleyes:, a group of 400 runners that was, I really wasn’t convinced to join :o
That does look like him (in a younger/leaner version), with the precaution that I have horrible memory with faces that I meet for the first time.
He could have run maybe a 400 against Kenteris when the latter was still running 400s.
Also full night sleep (like every night), and extra 3 hour “nap” in the afternoon. I don’t know what is wrong with me.
My psychology of these days is driving me crazy…
I am having existential crisis, which is hard to talk about.
John, I know I shouldn’t be so self reflective as you said, and rather sit back and relax, but don’t think I enjoy being me all the time either…
