- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
- In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world’s nuclear weapons combined.
- On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
- On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
- Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. (not only in NY)
*Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
*Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump. - Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
- It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs… but not downstairs.
- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
- It’s physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
*The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. - A snail can sleep for three years.
- No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”
- Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
- Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. - SCARY!!!
- The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (I could have told you that!)
- All polar bears are left-handed.
- In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
- An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
- “Go,” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
- If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. (doesn’t need to!)
- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. (Lead me to the pasture!!!)
- Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself…
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys.
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn’t see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one
hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”
If sometimes you feel yourself little, useless, offended
and depressed, always remember that you were once the
fastest and most victorious sperm out of hundreds of
millions :0)
Rupert! Can you re-do my settings to match? (Now I’ll be able to figure the damn thing out!)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a special branch vehicle, and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)
Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled ‘for the sick’ is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)
6.10pm: Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bennett’s estranged cousin, Mr.Collins, writes to announce his imminent visit to Longbourne - the house he will inherit on Mr.Bennett’s death. Mrs. Bennett rallies the residents to stop him setting up a minicab service. (Hampstead and Highgate Express)
There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who , if left a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, “this sort of thing is all too common”. (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. “He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler”. (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces.” (Bangkok Post)
Rodney wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rodney looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table …
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. - Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Rodney asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Rodney asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, “Lady leave me alone, I’m married’!”
When soccer players try to talk
> “My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.”
> * David Beckham
>
> “I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
> league.”
> * Mark Viduka
>
> "Alex Ferguson is the best manager I’ve ever had at this level. Well,
> he’s the only manager I’ve actually had at this level. But he’s the
> best manager I’ve ever had."
> * David Beckham
>
> “If you don’t believe you can win, there is no point in getting out
> of bed at the end of the day.”
> * Neville Southall
>
> “I’ve had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7
> of which were disputable.”
> * Paul Gascoigne
>
> “I’ve never wanted to leave. I’m here for the rest of my life, and
> hopefully after that as well.”
> * Alan Shearer
>
> “I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.”
> * Mark Draper
>
> “You’ve got to believe that you’re going to win, and I believe we’ll
> win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we’re knocked
> out.”
> * Peter Shilton
>
> "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,
> but let me state that I don’t want to leave Leicester."
> * Stan Collymore
>
> "I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on
> the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
> Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered
> he was out there playing."
> * Ade Akinbiyi
>
> “Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.”
> * Ian Wright
>
> “I’m as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.”
> * Ugo Ehiogu
>
> "Leeds is a great club and it’s been my home for years, even though I
> live in Middlesborough."
> * Jonathan Woodgate
>
> “I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.”
> * Stuart Pearce
>
> “I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
> right.”
> * Lee Hendrie
>
> “I couldn’t settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign
> country.”
> * Ian Rush
>
> “Germany are a very difficult team to play…they had 11
> internationals out there today…”
> * Steve Lomas
>
> “I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
> right sock.”
> * Barry Venison
>
> “I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into
> what
> religion yet.”
> * David Beckham
>
> “The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
> European.”
> * Phil Neville
>
> “All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.”
> * Mitchell Thomas
>
> “One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my
> best.”
> * Alan Shearer
>
> “I’d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.”
> * Johnny Giles
>
> “Sometimes in football you have to score goals.”
> * Thierry Henry.
An attractive woman from New York was driving through
a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on
the horse, and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!” and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the
service-station attendant. “Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered.
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback.”
I have a joke.
There was some man named SHAKA. And one day he was hungry very hungry. So he went down to his nearest shop and got a packet of crisp, when he finished eating them he put them in the bin.
Three days later he went to the toilet and died.
how to improve a mans aim
Oh, that’s just gross.
What do you call Snow White in the hood? Sleeping Booty.
whoaaaaaa!!!
shoot::shoot::shoot: