This has been doing the rounds through e-mail.
You know the world is going crazy
when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
The Swiss hold the America’s Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance, and
Germany doesn’t want to go to war!"
Originally posted by Dazed
http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/index.html
Very funny and very clever. Most white people could get a high score in “cringe bingo” with this one.
Now that Iraq has been liberated…yada yada yada…
Super Funny (speakers required)
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/saddamfromiraq.asp
Enjoy!
Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com
Ten new Iraqi cities named since coalition occupation
Wherz-Myroof
Mykamel-Izded
Oshit-Disisabad
Waddi-El-Izgowinon
Pleez-Ztopdishit
Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
Ikantstan-Disnomore
Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
Myturbin-Izburnin
Imma-Dedduck
Someone at work sent me this:
Here are some interesting facts that might be useful in your everyday life.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body
to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the…?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm…) What you think guys…
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing…)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
PRICELESS, LOL.
Hmm, so if you flip peppermints in your mouth all day and make your tongue twice as strong would this promote general organism strength?
Look at this headline. Now look at my location. Now laugh at me.
Hi everybody…
Heres a sample of what CharlieFrancis.com looks like through the eyes of Snoop Dogg…too funny
Word life Rupert. Check this out
I am moving to Guam.
> In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female.
> Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
> (Like THAT makes sense.)
>
> In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is
prohibited from looking
> directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection
in a mirror.
> (Do they look different reversed?)
>
> Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
> This also applies to undertakers.
> The organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood
at all times.
> (A brick??)
>
> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
> (Much worse than “going blind!”)
>
> There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower
> young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first
time…
> Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
> (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world
> that even comes close to this?)
>
> In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband,
> but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other
hand,
> may be killed in any manner desired.
>(Ah! Justice!)
>
> Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores.
> (But of course!)
>
> In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first
> time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
> (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
>
> In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and
> her daughter at the same time.
> (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
>
> In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception:
> Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places
where
> alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”
> (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!) >
>>
> The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
> weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
> (From drinking little bottles of…? How did the govt. pay for this
> research??)
>>>
> And, the best for last… Turtles can breathe through their butts.
> (Do you think they have bad breath?)
>
Yo
I have a joke i made it up myself.
One day a women was walking down the street she was old. She seen a shop in the distance and whne she got by it she wnet in. She asked for a packet of crisp and when she got them she started eating them.
After she had finished eating them she put them in the bin.
HA HA HA HA.
Mr.Cool,
Whats the story with you and dragon-ball z?
Thanks and let us know…
Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com
If you have never been, check out the political comics at:
http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/war23.html
Archives are the funniest
–“the infadels are being crushed by our noble falling statue forces”–Very funny indeed.
Those cartoons were pretty funny.
Joke of the day:
HOW THE ANGEL GOT ON TOP OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE
Once upon a time at the North Pole Santa Claus
And his elves were busy getting ready for Christmas
Everyone was busy making toys and doing last minute
Things
They were a little behind schedule and Santa was getting
Annoyed, and everyone was irritable
At that moment, in walked a little Angel carrying a star
In a loud voice the little angel said “Excuse me, but does anyone know where
I can stick this?”
And the rest is history.
[list=A]
[/list]
Kung Chow called his boss and said: “Hey, boss I not come work today. I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt. I not come work.” The boss says: “Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.” Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.”
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I’ve learned from my Children - honest & no kidding:
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four wall of ! a 20x20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh,” it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
THE RULES OF MANHOOD
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
e. When she is using her teeth
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten
by his mates.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.
If you’ve known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In
fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent
entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you’re
sunning
on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and
it’s
free.
Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick
another bloke in the nuts.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies
until
they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much
as
the other sports watchers.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober
enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but
not both - that’s just mean.
If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about
his
choice of beer.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours, except
if
she’s withholding s*x pending your response.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a.
Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another
set
and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you
are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have
carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty
is
no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to
drive yours.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange
or sky blue.
The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?”
with
“If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets a Playstation 2. End of
story.
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based On what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink .
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is… this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens
there .
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very
simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He’s hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He’s gay!