Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?Ohhh Guy from Boston here. I’m usually not a fan of violence, but her reaction at the end of this video is priceless.
Staff Warning – Swearing at work
Dear Employees,
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
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Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don’t have a f*cking clue, do you? -
Try Saying: She’s an aggressive go-getter Instead Of: She’s a fcking power-crazy Btch
-
Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this? -
Try Saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible Instead Of: Fck off ase-hole
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Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well f*ck me backwards with a telegraph pole -
Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with… Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f*ck
-
Try Saying: I wasn’t involved in the project Instead Of: Not my f*cking problem
-
Try Saying: That’s interesting
Instead Of: What the f*ck? -
Try Saying: I’m not sure this can be implicated within the given timescale
Instead Of: No f*cking chance mate. -
Try Saying: It will be tight but I’ll try
to schedule it in.
Instead Of: Why the f*ck didn’t you tell me that yesterday? -
Try Saying: He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He’s got his head up his Fcking ase -
Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, f*ckface. -
Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f*cking holidays anyway.
NOAH IN AUSTRALIA
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.’
He gave Noah the plans, saying, ‘You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the Unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.’
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
‘Noah!’ He roared , ‘I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?’
‘Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Shire Council for a decision.
Then ERGON demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system.
I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.
Then the DPI ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Fair Trading group on how many ‘Stolen generation’ persons I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
The State Government has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not from the non-designated group.
UNIONS say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, ATO seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.’
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, ‘You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?’
‘No,’ said the Lord.
‘The Australian Government has beaten me to it.’
Comprehending Accountants - Take One
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said,
" Where did you get such a great bike? " The second accountant replied,
" Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, " Take what you want. "
The first accountant nodded approvingly,
" Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t fit. "
Comprehending Accountants - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The accountant said,
" I like both. "
" Both? " The architect replied
" Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman,
and you can go to the office and get some work done. "
Comprehending Accountants - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Accountants - Take Four
An Accountant and His Frog
An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
" If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess ".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
" If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week ".
The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out,
" If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. "
Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,
" What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.
Why won’t you kiss me? " The accountant said,
" Look I’m an accountant.
I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool. "
Comprehending Accountants - Take Five
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager.
He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job.
He asked each applicant the question,
" What is two and two "?
The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was " twenty-two. "
The second applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.
The next person was a lawyer.
He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant the business man asked him,
" How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down.
He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice,
" How much do you want it to be? " He got the job.
What’s the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him!
What’s an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.
What’s an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded!
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file, and that’s what they did last year!
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.
What is the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation!
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
" Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night. "
" Have you tried counting sheep? "
" That’s the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it "
Don’t ask me why I was reading trackshark, but this was just too damn funny. They are talking about Jeremy Wariner’s 100m speed.
“Well I mean obviously he could run a 10 flat, but I don’t think he could run a 9.8 unless he used blocks.”
Clearly, the use of blocks will make him a 9.8 runner 
It’s the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ This is incredible’, said the man.
‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?’
The neighbour says ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.’
‘Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?’
The man shakes his head ‘No, they’re all at the funeral.’
10 signs you might be a Taliban
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You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer…
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You own a £1,500 machine gun and a £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
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You have more wives than teeth.
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You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
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You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
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You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your clothes.
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You’ve never been asked, ‘Does this burka make my arse look big?’
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You’re amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
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A common compliment is , ‘I love what you’ve done with your cave.’
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
- You wipe your arse with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean!
LOL!!
KIWI JOKE:p
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad; former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo’s machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female
of any species.
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three
conditions: ‘Fust,’ he said, ‘I don’t want to have to kuss er.’‘Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.’
The Zoo manager quickly agreed and asked what his third condition was.
‘Wull,’ said Graham, ‘You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.’
AUSSIE JOKE
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had
happened.
The soldier reported, ‘I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.’ We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.’
‘So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!’
He retaliated by yelling, ‘Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !’
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a fucking truck hit us.’