I actually do things in sets of 7 or 11 (sometimes with a 12th finale).
Christmas Story for people having a bad day…
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom, just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
You talkin’ to me Bilbo?
The Dominion Post | Saturday, 22 December 2007
The race is on to find a director for The Hobbit movies. Tom Cardy looks at some possible candidates.
Fans of Peter Jackson and JRR Tolkien around the world have been doing a merry jig the past two days since it was announced that the Wellington film-maker will be involved in The Hobbit.
Jackson and his screenwriting partner Fran Walsh will be executive producers on The Hobbit and a second Hobbit film and preproduction work will begin in Wellington next month.
Whether JRR Tolkien’s story will be spread over the two films, or the second will be based on some of his other material is still unclear.
So is who will actually direct the films. Jackson is reportedly too busy.
Over the past 12 months Spider-Man director Sam Raimi has been mentioned as a contender, as well as Pan’s Labyrinth director Guillermo del Toro. At this point it could be open to all.
Jackson could choose an unknown protege – as he has with Kiwi Christian Rivers directing Dambusters, or a well-known name.
Alfonso Cuaron, who directed the excellent Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and Children of Men is already on several fans’ wishlists.
Or maybe it will be left-field choice, such as Kiwi veteran Geoff Murphy, who, as a second unit director on The Lord of the Rings, captured some of its best action scenes.
But imagine if some of the world’s best known and idiosyncratic directors sat down with Jackson over a few beers and convinced him to give them the job – and complete creative control.
How different will it be?
Francis Ford Coppola
Career highlights: The Godfather Parts I and II, Apocalypse Now.
Best scene: Smaug the dragon attacks Lake-town, seeking to destroy its inhabitants. Explosions and fires engulf the town, bodies are everywhere. The dragon breathes deeply through his nostrils and declares: “I love the smell of hobbits in the morning.”
Quentin Tarantino
Career highlights: Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill
Best scene: Bilbo and his dwarf companions try to escape three man-eating trolls while far into the Lone-lands. At first Bilbo and dwarf Thorin use fire logs to hold them back. Gandalf arrives. “I’m Superfly T.N.T., I’m The Guns of the Navarone,” he roars, as he whips a 12 gauge shotgun out from under his wizard’s robe and shoots the first troll through the stomach. A fountain of blood sprays his companions. Bilbo reaches for a sword and cleanly chops off a troll’s arm. Chopping and shooting ensue. The Kiss song Crazy Crazy Nights erupts on the soundtrack.
Martin Scorsese
Career highlights: Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas.
Best scene: Bilbo confronts the dragon Smaug in his Lonely Mountains lair. Bilbo has become so stressed on his journey, he’s shaved his curly hair into a mohawk and has begun wearing old military shirts. When Smaug utters a riddle, Bilbo turns, a gun whizzes out from underneath his arm and he yells while blasting away: “You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talking to?”
George Lucas
Career highlights: American Graffiti, Stars Wars Episodes IV-VI.
Best scene: When Gollum discovers Bilbo has stolen his precious ring he corners the hobbit on the edge of a canyon. Gollum whips out a glowing sword, Bilbo responds by whipping out his own glowing sword. They battle and Gollum manages to slice off Bilbo’s hand that’s holding the ring. Gollum then tries to persuade Bilbo to come over to “the dark side”. “I’ll never join you,” screams Bilbo. “But Bilbo,” croaks Gollum. “I am your father.”
Sam Raimi
Career highlights: The Evil Dead, Spider-Man trilogy.
Best scene: Bilbo wakes to find himself tied down by a giant spider. He cuts himself loose and kills the spider with his sword Sting. A couple of days later he discovers he can climb walls, that all his senses have been magnified and he can shoot giant webs from his arms. Now all orcs shudder at the very mention of: Spider-Hobbit.
Ridley Scott
Career highlights: Alien, Blade Runner, Gladiator.
Best scene: Bilbo finds the One Ring of power and is smugly walking out of the goblin tunnels when he is suddenly struck by searing pain. He falls to the ground, looks down at his chest to see something pushing through his skin. Suddenly his chest rips open, blood goes everywhere to reveal Gollum has been inside his body! “At last!,” Gollum screams as he rips the ring from Bilbo. “I have my precious!”
I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it’s very well written.
’ WINTER ’
Fuck!
It’s cold!
‘Holy smoke’ in Greece nunnery tops weird news
By ERIK KIRSCHBAUM - Reuters | Monday, 31 December 2007
From a Greek nunnery turned into a marijuana farm by two men posing as gardeners to a South African man with a gunshot wound told by a doctor to “walk the pain off”, the world was full of weird news in 2007.
A Moscow woman set fire to her ex-husband’s penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat.
“I was burning like a torch,” the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. “I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”
In another unusual living arrangement, a German man left his dead mother seated in her favourite armchair at their shared home for two years after her death of natural causes at age 92.
Yet not everything that smelled like a corpse was really dead in 2007. In the German town of Kaiserslautern, police broke into a darkened flat expecting to find a corpse after neighbours complained of a nasty smell seeping out into the hallway.
But instead they found a tenant with very smelly feet asleep in bed next to a pile of extremely foul-smelling laundry.
There were sadly many deaths in 2007 that were hardly noticed, such as in Zagreb, where a Croatian man who boarded a night tram and died in his seat rode through the city for more than six hours before the driver discovered he was dead.
Unusual diets made headlines in 2007 – such as: “No more crispy duck at Beijing toilets”. Food stalls attached to Beijing’s public toilets were banned ahead of the Olympics after complaints over toilets with poor sanitation.
Also in China, 66-year-old Jiang Musheng said 40 years of swallowing live tree frogs and rats helped him avoid intestinal pain and made him strong.
British artist Mark McGowan ate a meal of meatballs made from a dead corgi dog in a protest against animal cruelty. He said the corgi, which died from natural causes, tasted terrible.
Criminals filled odd news headlines around the world. In the United States, two Colorado men were accused of plotting to kill a man with rattlesnakes in a dispute over a $US60,000 ($NZ78,771) poker debt.
“It’s a story out of the Wild West – there’s poker, rattlesnakes and unsavoury characters,” said Lance Clem, of the Colorado Bureau of Investigation. “You’ve got a bunch of snakes becoming involved with a bunch of snakes.”
In Sarajevo, two armed men disguised as Muslim women in burqas held up a bank and escaped with $US40,000.
A Zimbabwe man stole a bus because he needed transport to get his driving licence.
A German bus driver threw a 20-year-old off because he said she was too sexy for his bus. “He opened the door and shouted ‘Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can’t concentrate on the traffic’,” the woman said.
In La Paz, the winner of a Bolivian beauty contest was stripped of her title moments after her coronation when judges noticed she was wearing false hair plaits.
Climate change found its way into weird news. A Hummer owner in Russia’s St Petersburg gave activists the green light to pelt his oversized vehicle with rotten eggs and tomatoes.
A 60-year-old German man stunned lawyers during his appeal hearing on a flashing conviction by stripping off in court.
Every story needs a happy ending and Bangkok delivered for this one. A 76-year-old Malay Muslim woman from southern Thailand got on the wrong bus 25 years ago and got lost, ending up living as a beggar at the other end of the country.
But in 2007 she was finally reunited with her family.
Corgi should only be prepared by trained culinary professionals.
I posted these in another thread but they are so good they need to be included here. They are classic cricket sledges 
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Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: “So how’s your wife & my kids?” -
Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. “Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted. -
Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): “Hey Eddo, why are you so Fing Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I F* your mother, she gives me a biscuit”
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Robin Smith & Merv Hughes during 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played& missed:“You can’t fking bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to theboundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t fking bat & you can’t f**king bowl.”
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Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad during 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: “Tickets please”, Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
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Merv Hughes & Viv Richards during a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. “This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl.” Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture we just say f**k *ff.”
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Ian Healy his legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney… “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!”
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James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh… MW : “F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England” JO : “Maybe not, but at least i’m the best player in my family”
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McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan:
“So what does Brian Lara’s dck taste like?" Sarwan: “I don’t know. Ask your wife.” McGrath (losing it): "If you ever effing mention my wife again, I’ll Fing rip your F*fing throat out.” -
Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - “Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then you’re fuking useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that’s me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slt & now I hear you’ve married her. You dumb c*nt”.
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Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, “Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it.”
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Ravi Shastri v/s the aussie 12th man .Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single…this guy gets the ball in and says “if you leave the crease i’ll break your fing head" Shastri: "if you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn’t be the fing 12th man”
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Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall : “Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?”
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Fred Trueman. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,and right between Raman Subba Row’s legs. Fred doesn’t say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. “I should’ve kept my legs together, Fred”. “So should your mother” he replied.
Damn Rupert, that’s gotta be your best one yet.
George W. Bush had a heart attack and died. He went to hell where the Devil was waiting for him.
‘I don’t know what to do here,’ said the devil. 'You are on my list but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.’
The devil open the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
‘No!’ Bush said. ’ I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day.’
The devil led him to the next room: In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time.
No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!’ commented Bush.
The devil opened the third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what she did best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, Yeah, I can handle this.’
The devil smiled and said, ‘Okay, Monica, you’re free to go!’
GOVT HEALTH WARNING:
DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLEGUM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aB5E8Z4aGMY&feature=related
I believe him…
There’s a video of I guess his brother or someoen realted to him deadliftign 135lbs for reps, and the kids like 10.
I love how they make the note that he pauses on the box so that there is no momentum, and then when he is on the box he rocks back and forward–gaining momentum–and then jumps.
Haha yes I noticed that too.
Regardless, you have to admit that’s impressive for anyone.
Yes, John Smith created the Lion King which makes children into gay murderers. That bastard.
I just can’t believe how serious this guy is in the video. The actual examples he uses though are standard issue Disney, their animators are notorious for throwing “easter eggs” into Disney products.
Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com