Humor and things that make us laugh.

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601

Subject: Irish vasectomy

Subject: Irish vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a
firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, “B’Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me, it will do the job”, said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure has proved effective throughout the Republic.

602

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It’s worth reading again to the end even if you received it before. Still just as funny!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one. ________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what! were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

603

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
“I’d like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.”

“And what can I get for you, Mr. President?”

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and
slight grin, “How about a quickie this morning?”

“Why, Mr. President!” the waitress exclaims. “How rude! You’re starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you’ve only been in your second term of
office for a year!” And the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers…

"It’s pronounced ‘quiche’

604

HOW THE MOUSE WORKS

“Mystery Solved”

How does the small arrow in the screen of the computer work when we
move the mouse? Haven’t you ever wondered how it works? Now, through
the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid
of a screen magnifying lens the mechanism becomes apparent.

Be sure to
move your mouse when the program finishes loading and click your left mouse button as well.

http://www.1-click.jp/

605

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,

but she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to

her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me

screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on

the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the

time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have

to consult her boyfriend… So she called her

boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the

money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his

pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour

goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his

girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and

asks what happened.

She responded, “The bastard used coins!”

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it

and getting screwed!

606

hahahahahahahahahaha :smiley:

607

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme!

SCROLL DOWN…

NOW SCROLL UP…
That’s enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine!!!

608

That was funny…i’m on my 3rd glass!

Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com

609

doesn’t anybody like the mouse men?

610

I can’t tell, I am too tired from John’s regime… :stuck_out_tongue:

611

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7zZbTC6UCA

A Profile of Barry Dawson aka The Cougar

Barry Dawson once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Barry Dawson’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson can speak Braille.

When Barry Dawson exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Barry Dawson doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”

Barry Dawson can kill two stones with one bird.

Barry Dawson can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Barry Dawson once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having s*x with his waitress.

Barry Dawson is the only man ! to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Barry Dawson once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he cr@pped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Barry Dawson once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more t*sticles?” contest. Barry Dawson won by 5.

Barry Dawson once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

When Barry Dawson has s*x with a man, it won’t be because he is g@y. It will be because he has run out of women.

For some, the left tsticle is larger than the right one. For Barry Dawson, each tsticle is larger than the other one.

Barry Dawson ordered a Big Mac at Red Rooster, and got one.

It takes Barry Dawson 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Barry Dawson doesn’t believe in New Zealand.

Barry Dawson can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Barry Dawson ! recently had the idea to sell his u*ine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of Australian women lost their virginity to Barry Dawson. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

Barry Dawson invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his p*rn.

One day Barry Dawson walked down the street with a massive er*ction. There were no survivors.

When Barry Dawson plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

Barry Dawson qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Matthew LLoyd is allowed to live because Barry Dawson doesn’t kill women.

612

If You Don’t Pay Your Exorcist Do You Get Repossessed?

613

614

How not to hurdle:

Hurdlers

615

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96OljGZapv4

616

I’ll have a burger and some ******* chicken nuggets. Hahahahahahahaha.

617

Sorry I was late for work this morning. On the way to work, I rear-ended a car at a red light while not really paying attention. Duh.

Anyway, the fellow who was driving got out.

I was surprised to see he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy”.

I said, “Well which one are you then?”

618

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCcxuh1zzrA

619

Hahahahahahahhahahaha

That was amazing.

620


Shot at 2007-07-01

2007 Russian cheerleaders championship-winning squad!