Humor and things that make us laugh.

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760

AND NOW FOR “DUMMIES OF THE DAY”:

9-1-1 Calls

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is…

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn…I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No, I’m a Methodist
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

761

[a little long but this is actually pretty funny]

THE SPOON

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I enquired, ‘Why the spoon?’

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’

‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.’

I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’

‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

762

This is a test

763

Martial artist versus bricks!!! Who will be the winner?.

//youtu.be/Mp7XQCYBLbo

764

Takes the applause for such a great effort.

765

Looks like he bought the black belt from eBay.

766

THIS HAD ME CRYING OF LAUGHTER…THIS IS A MUST READ…!!!

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...hp?t=120921191

767

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtUAMsEPP7w&feature=related

768

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4fIiijYiOY&feature=related
Shows a leopard isn’t real smart or fast.

769

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning John’s grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,

‘Are these plates clean?’

His grandfather replied,

‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’

Without looking up the old man said,

‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you
fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog
started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said,
‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.

Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’

770

Asafa Powell & Usain Bolt are hilarious when together:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsB0fAqsL7c

771

//youtu.be/KJVwfJs8Eqo

772

hide yo wife, hide yo kids, and hide yo husband!

773

Stressful days, I needed the laugh…

774

PRAISE THE LORD…

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following
response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted
on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of
debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

  1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
    female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
    of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can
    you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

  2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
    Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
    price for her?

  3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
    period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how
    do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

  4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
    pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
    They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

  5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
    clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
    kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

  6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
    abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
    I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of
    abomination?

  7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
    a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
    Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

  8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
    around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
    19:27. How should they die?

  9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
    unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

  10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
    different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
    made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
    tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go
    to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
    Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family
    affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.
    20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of
Virginia

PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian)

775

THE FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It’s her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

776

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ba1BqJ4S2M&feature=player_embedded

777

brilliant!!

778

//youtu.be/5EqZJOVOJKA

“If you have something bottled up inside of you, go straight to the snake shaker.”

That’s a quote from Ben Crane in a workout video recently released on his website (bencranegolf.com). Crane is a nine-year veteran on the PGA Tour, who has three wins, career earnings of more than $13 million, and a reputation for having as much personality as a dollar bill. So who knew he had a spoof video worthy of Saturday Night Live bottled up inside of him?

“People think of me as being Christian and a slow player,” says Ben Crane. “And both of those are associated with being no fun.”

Which is why Crane, his caddie, Joel Stock, and a close friend, Sam Martin, went to the gym at Vaquero in Westlake, Tex., and cut a 70-second takeoff of Crane working out. The goal: help tear down his dull image.

“If the image of tour players is X, my image is X times two,” says Crane. “I’m serious about my relationship with Christ, walking with Jesus, my wife, my family and I play slow, but ask people close to me, they’ll tell you there’s more to me than just that.”

Crane says his mini-production team took a day in May for the shoot, and then sat on the release of the video for a few months, until they were able to show it to Crane’s sponsors. “Sam and I make a perfect team,” says Crane. “He’s creative and very good at what he does; I have a rock-solid image of being boring.”

The feedback from sponsors was unanimous – it’s hysterical. But the video wouldn’t have floated the stream of social media if it didn’t get the approval of Crane’s toughest critic, Heather, his wife. “My wife is the best judge of funny,” says Crane. “There’s no courtesy laugh in her. When she said it was funny, we knew we might have something.”

Crane said he first enjoyed some measure of comedic success when he made a video short for a friend’s birthday party. The friend was Mike Meldman, CEO of the Discovery Land Co., and the party was well attended by celebrities, including George Clooney.

“(Clooney) must’ve have told me three times how much he liked it,” Crane said. “He said we made the party.”

Crane gives credit to Greg Rose of the Titleist Performance Institute for coming up with the idea of shooting a workout video. Look for more to come. “This will not be a one-hit wonder,” says Crane. “Maybe not every one will be this funny, but we have more in the pipeline.”

Crane spoke to me as we speak, “from the now, in the middle of now.” Watch the video. It will all make sense.

–Matt Ginella

http://www.golfdigest.com/golf-tours-news/blogs/local-knowledge/2010/10/video-ben-cranes-workout-secrets.html

779

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGRKTkS7pW8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1soi77QTd8&feature=related