Just when you thought it was a useless piece of equipment…
‘Viagra’ is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn’t enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
Charlie always loved a good laugh.
we love you
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud)
- That’s not right…Sum Ting Wong
- Are you harbouring a fugitive…Hu Yu Hai Ding
- See me ASAP…Kum Hia
- Stupid Man…Dum Fuk
- Small Horse…Tai Ni Po Ni
- Did you go to the beach…Wai Yu So Tan
- I bumped the coffee table…Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
- I think you need a face lift…Chin Tu Fat
- It’s Very dark in here…Wai So Dim
- I Thought you were on a diet…Wai Yu Mun Ching
- This is a tow away zone…No Pah King
- Our meeting is scheduled for next week…Wai Yu Kum Nao
- Staying out of sight…Lei Ying Lo
- He’s cleaning his automobile …Wa Shing Ka
15)Your body odor is offensive…Yu Stin Ki Pu
- Great…Fa Kin Su Pah
i LIKE tURTLES
This is so sic I couldn’t resist
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!”
“IMPOSSIBLE !!” said the groom broom.
“WE HAVEN’T EVENSWEPT TOGETHER!”
AND NOW FOR “DUMMIES OF THE DAY”:
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is…
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn…I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No, I’m a Methodist
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
[a little long but this is actually pretty funny]
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I enquired, ‘Why the spoon?’
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’
‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.’
I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’
‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’
This is a test
Martial artist versus bricks!!! Who will be the winner?.
Takes the applause for such a great effort.
Looks like he bought the black belt from eBay.
THIS HAD ME CRYING OF LAUGHTER…THIS IS A MUST READ…!!!
Shows a leopard isn’t real smart or fast.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning John’s grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,
‘Are these plates clean?’
His grandfather replied,
‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’
Without looking up the old man said,
‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you
fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog
started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
John yelled and said,
‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.
Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’
Asafa Powell & Usain Bolt are hilarious when together: