http://www.break.com/index/the-worst-job-ever.html
I always wanted to be a recovery and regeneration specialist for swimsuit models…
Missing Lynx effect sparks litigation
STAFF REPORTER
November 2, 2009 - 3:59PM
The makers of Lynx deodorant are being sued by an Indian man who claims he used their products for seven years but failed to attract the opposite sex.
Vaibhav Bedi, 26, wants Unilever to compensate him $91,000 for the “depression and psychological damage” caused by a lack of any “Lynx effect”, the Daily Record reports.
Some adverts for Lynx - marketed as Axe in India - show beautiful women seemingly becoming entranced by those who use the products.
“The company cheated me because in its advertisements, it says women will be attracted to you if you use Axe … I used it for seven years but no girl came to me,” Mr Bedi said in his court petition.
A New Delhi court has accepted half-used body washes, shampoos, anti-perspirants and hair gels for forensic testing in the case.
Unilever has refused to comment on the lawsuit but Mr Bedi’s lawyer Ram Jethmalani has urged the company to settle out of court.
“There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women,” the Daily Record quoted him as saying.
“In fact, some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys.”
http://www.watoday.com.au/world/missing-lynx-effect-sparks-litigation-20091102-htab.html
That’s because the ugly guys were stinking rich. 
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0. What I have noticed is a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications, which had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as Sport 7.3, NFL 3.2 and Tennis 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Your faithfully
Desperate Susan
[i]Dear Desperate Susan,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce viruses into the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can’t learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Home Cooking 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5. Finally consider applications such as Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his hardware).
Good Luck
Tech Support[/i]
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant
neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since
Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass
will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with
money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just
as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as
many morons.
Just when you thought it was a useless piece of equipment…
http://www.break.com/break-originals/other-funny-stuff/exercise-ball-tribute-song.html
‘Viagra’ is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn’t enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
Definition of “a bastard”. 
Charlie always loved a good laugh.
xo
thanks KitKat1
we love you
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud)
- That’s not right…Sum Ting Wong
- Are you harbouring a fugitive…Hu Yu Hai Ding
- See me ASAP…Kum Hia
- Stupid Man…Dum Fuk
- Small Horse…Tai Ni Po Ni
- Did you go to the beach…Wai Yu So Tan
- I bumped the coffee table…Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
- I think you need a face lift…Chin Tu Fat
- It’s Very dark in here…Wai So Dim
- I Thought you were on a diet…Wai Yu Mun Ching
- This is a tow away zone…No Pah King
- Our meeting is scheduled for next week…Wai Yu Kum Nao
- Staying out of sight…Lei Ying Lo
- He’s cleaning his automobile …Wa Shing Ka
15)Your body odor is offensive…Yu Stin Ki Pu - Great…Fa Kin Su Pah
LEROY JENKINS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkCNJRfSZBU original
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aH7s2BYbUAo&feature=related lotr
This is so sic I couldn’t resist
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!”
“IMPOSSIBLE !!” said the groom broom.
“WE HAVEN’T EVENSWEPT TOGETHER!”
AND NOW FOR “DUMMIES OF THE DAY”:
9-1-1 Calls
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is…
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn…I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No, I’m a Methodist
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.