KNUCKLEHEADS OF THE YEAR
Playing dumb is a Daly occurrence
Scott Ostler
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Some guys sure took wrong turns in 2008, as I was saying this morning to my Hooters’ men’s-room attendant, John Daly.
Sports Illustrated called '08 “The Best Year Ever,” and I agree, although for different reasons. While I admired the performances of Michael Phelps, Tiger Woods, Usain Bolt and blah-blah-blah, the real stars of the year were the knuckleheads.
So let’s grab a bottle of expensive champagne, shake it up and spray it over the heads of the folks who made '08 the Dumbest Year Ever.
Here’s to you, John Daly. Now, whenever trains collide or jump the tracks, the incident is referred to as a John Daly.
Once Daly was the most popular golfer in the world, but last year he was simply the guy - or at least the most famous guy - passed out drunk in the parking lot of a Hooters restaurant, a chain Daly was paid to endorse. Talk about barfing on the hand that feeds you.
People still love Daly, though, and he’ll get more chances. I hear the logo for his new line of sportswear is a chalk outline of a fat guy with a bad haircut.
Plaxico Burress, gad what a year! He skipped some practice time with the Giants to take care of “family issues,” including taking his son to school. As if any truant officer would mess with a parent who packs a loaded Glock in his sweats.
Then, while juggling a cocktail in a New York City nightclub, Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg with the Glock, which he apparently brought to fire into the ceiling if the service got slow.
Then Burress was sued by a Florida woman who claims Plax rear-ended her. Fortunately, cars were involved. Unfortunately, Plax’s was uninsured. Why would he need insurance? He probably figured that if he ever got into an accident, he could shoot his way out of it.
Burress wasn’t the only errant marksman. Former NHL goalie Clint Malarchuk shot himself in the chin with his .22 rifle after going rabbit hunting. As one bunny rabbit commented, “That’s what I call putting the biscuit in the basket!”
Our own Al Davis made history when he fired his coach, then presented the case against Lane Kiffin with the aid of an overhead projector. Later in the season, inspired by the NFL’s use of movie-theater special effects, Davis vowed to fire his next coach in 3D.
Davis did some things right. He reeled in free-agent wide receiver Javon Walker, which turned out to be a very beneficial move - for Las Vegas champagne salesmen and fencers of stolen jewelry. Walker squirted champagne over nightclub patrons, then left the club with a stranger who apparently promised to show Walker some real clubbing.
Jacques Rogge, head of the International Olympic Committee, now there’s a no-nonsense sports leader. At the Olympics in Beijing, hammer throwers and weight lifters were doping, horses were doping and underage Chinese gymnasts were winning gold medals, so Rogge sprung into action: He chastised Usain Bolt for being a hot dog.
Rogge seemed deathly afraid of offending the Chinese hosts, whose theme song was “It’s our party and we’ll lie if we want to.”
Jose Canseco, one of the most dangerous hitters in the history of literature, said he was sorry for his tell-all books. “I never realized this was going to hurt so many people,” he said. Proving once again that before you write a book, you should read one.
Hey, Jerry Jones: Nice team! You really molded all those miscreants into a cohesive juggernaut. You might have pulled it off, podnah, had you thought to hire a bodyguard for “Pacman” Jones’ babysitter.
O.J. Simpson, now we know why he couldn’t put on that glove at his murder trial. He didn’t know where his fingers were supposed to go. Juice is a little dense. Bringing weapons along on that silly little souvenir-repo caper was the second-worst idea O.J. ever had.
Stevie Williams, Tiger Woods’ caddie and golf’s perennial Miss Congeniality, made some nasty remarks about Phil Mickelson at a banquet. Tiger was embarrassed but he let Stevie off with a reprimand, because lord knows how hard it would be to find another man willing to carry Tiger Woods’ clubs for seven figures.
Isiah Thomas overdosed on sleeping pills then tried to kill the publicity by saying it was actually his daughter the paramedics had to rescue. Thomas’ daughter will be fine just as soon as the bus tire marks wear off.
Manny Ramirez quit on his Red Sox teammates, before playing well for the Dodgers. Manny will soon pay the price for embarrassing baseball with his unprofessional behavior, when he signs a new contract and is forced to carry huge sacks of money to his bank.
Speaking of unprofessional behavior, I’ve got to go. Must rest up for the New Year. I’m tired. I’m 136 in Chinese gymnast years.