Herb’s data in confusing. Note the wed-ring and the belly button-ring. If she had a tongue ring also then there would be no questions.
David’s personal trainer decides that he’s a little bit over weight, so he puts him on a diet.
“What I want you to do,” he says, “is eat normally for three days then skip a day. Carry that on for a month, and then come back to see me.”
Sure enough, a month later David comes back looking much leaner and fitter than he was.
“That’s a great diet,” he says, “but you know, I thought I was going to drop dead on that fourth day.”
“What,” asks the trainer, “from hunger?”
“No,” says David. “From skipping.”
Impersonal Trainer Couldn’t Give A Fuck What You Do With Those Free Weights
November 30, 2005 | Issue 41•48
LOS ANGELES—Wes Orth Jr., the man considered to be the standard-bearer for a new breed of strong and aloof impersonal trainers, could not care less about the workout regimen of his clients, many of whom say his indifference powers their adrenaline-charged, spite-filled workouts. “Sure, wave those dumbbells around, whatever,” Orth said during a typically hands-off training session at his L.A. gym this weekend. “Or just sit on your fat ass—I get paid either way.” Orth’s newest workout video, Wes Orth Jr. Doesn’t Give Two Damp Shits If You Live Strong Or Die Young, debuted at the top of the Amazon DVD sales charts on Monday.
Herb you’re gonna have to change that avatar. I spend 20 mins looking at all of your posts without a single word registering. Im sposed to be working here!
Its just so perfect. I cant take my eyes off. Aaaaaiiiiii…
Who is she?
Wednesday’s Laugh: 25 Ways Men can feel good about being men
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OPENING JARS - she’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s work.
-
CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
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DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
-
SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, you think I can’t whittle.
-
GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
-
DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, “Let’s go” and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You’re hard.
-
HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
-
HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt”. “Nah”.
-
HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. “Big night” Grr, what does it look like.
-
NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. “We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past”, it says, “but someone’s got to keep the little scrotes in line”.
-
USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
-
KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
-
ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE… and everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn’t know that.
-
NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
-
CARVING THE ROAST - and saying “are you a leg or breast man?” to the blokes and “do you want stuffing?” to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
-
WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?
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TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we’ll make do with the aisles.
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TAKING OUT 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
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PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. “Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya.”
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PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
-
HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
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HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn’t make a fuss. “Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage”.
-
KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - “a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?”
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TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that’s right, I’m going in there for a huge, long man-sized shite.
-
CALLING YOUR MATE A C*NT - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man’s way of saying “you’re a good mate, I missed you while you were in hospital”.
I had a good laugh at this one, enjoy!
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he
roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him
to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a
prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three
bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his
body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in
disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up.
This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to
the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris
himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
I grew up loving Chuck Norris movies,Delta Force was my favorite. Oh man … that was so funny to me, I was in tears.
A Dark Confession
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes it is.”
Boy- “I have a baseball.”
Man- “That’s nice.”
Boy- “Want to buy it?”
Man- “No, thanks.”
Boy- “My dad’s outside.”
Man- “OK, how much?”
Boy- “$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy- “Dark in here.”
Man- “Yes, it is.”
Boy- “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy- “$750.”
Man- “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says “$1,000.”
The father says, "That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”
The Real Man Test
- Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
- As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
- When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
- What about hugging another male?
A. If hes your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If youre performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this males trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”
C. If youre a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
-
He is legally within the base path,
-
Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
-
You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
-
Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…
A. …remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. …reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. …tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimers disease and cancer.
- In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
- You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-youre watching a football game; shes reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says shes not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you dont want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that youll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you dont want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
- Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
- One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “Theyre in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”
- When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that youre not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
- What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
- What is the human races single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
How to Score…
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer “C.”
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimers joke.
I have no idea if this is true! It is from a Canadian friend though…
I was hoping for your insight!
Merry Christmas everyone!
PS in this order, please!
Are you a busy Gangster?
Are you always on the run?
Don’t have time to make that important call to your Dealer? Ho? Bail Bond? Lawyer? Yo Momma?
Well your troubles are over! Why not purchase this brand new 9mm Nokia Cell combo!!!
Light, Compact and specially designed for insanely baggy pants worn below the crack of your ass without ever falling out!
No more embarrassments while being questioned by Cops and your gun falls out of your pants, no more potential of shooting your own balls off with the new safety features.
All these great features are included!!
Now you can receive your call, get your “hit” or “Drug Deal” information, pull the slide and bang bang all in one smooth sweet motion.
Get yours today!!
First 50 callers get a full clip of armor piercing hollow points and 8 hours free talk time!
ACT NOW!
fully sick, mannn
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don’t remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We’ve been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what they’re saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it’s like camping.
classic . . . .
Subject: Diary of a Pom moving to Mt Isa in Australia - READ AT LUNCH
For the record, a Pom is an Englishman in Australia, Mount Isa is in outback Queensland (where Greg Norman is from), 30, 35 and 44 degrees are Celsius (centigrade) I could tell you what the Fahrenheit equivalents are, but trust me, its bloody hot! the first day of summer is December 1st.
Subject: FW: Diary of a Pom moving to Mt Isa in Australia
DIARY OF A MOUNT ISA SUMMER
(For anybody ever thinking of moving to Aussie to live)
August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa, Queensland!!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm
balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the
veranda. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see
the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and
rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th
The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though. But getting
used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed
3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got
to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
October 20th
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By
the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to
the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I
told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat
sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f*ckin blow dryer!! And it’s hot as
hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged
$200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 House
and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
November 4th
It’s 38 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the
house feel like it’s about 30. Stupid repairman!
I hate this stupid f*ckin place!!
November 8th
If another wise arse cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to
fckin throttle him. Fckin heat! By the time I get to work the car’s
radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f*ckin wet, and I smell
like baked cat!!
November 9th
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my f*ckin arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my
Fckin ase. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a*se, and baked cat.
November 10th
The weather report might as well be a fckin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot
and sunny. Hot and fckin sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2
damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn fckin place? Water rationing will be
next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the fckin
pool. Even the palms can’t live in this f*ckin heat.
November 14th
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 44 today. Now the air-conditioner’s
gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you
today?” My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out
of jail for assulting the stupid fcker. Fck Mount Isa! What kind of a
sick demented f*ckin idiot would want to live here?
December 1st
WHAT??? This is the first day of summer??? You are f*ckin kiddin!!
Consider yourself warned.
The latest scam in the George Square area which is happening around the Tesco Metro supermarket (Although this could spread elsewhere).
Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are getting into your car.
One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window saying ‘hi’ while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse - impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and beg you for a ride to the Braehead Shopping Centre. You agree and tell them to sit in the back.
On the way they start having sex in the back seat. Then one of them jumps to the front seat & starts to perform oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I was robbed last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn’t find them Saturday or Sunday.
Be careful.
New abbreviations
- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
- Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
- Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
- Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
- Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
How to Make the Olympics More Interesting I
How to Make the Olympics More Interesting II