THIS HAD ME CRYING OF LAUGHTER…THIS IS A MUST READ…!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4fIiijYiOY&feature=related
Shows a leopard isn’t real smart or fast.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning John’s grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,
‘Are these plates clean?’
His grandfather replied,
‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’
Without looking up the old man said,
‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you
fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog
started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
John yelled and said,
‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.
Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’
hide yo wife, hide yo kids, and hide yo husband!
Stressful days, I needed the laugh…
PRAISE THE LORD…
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following
response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted
on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of
debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
-
Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can
you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians? -
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her? -
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. -
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? -
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? -
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of
abomination? -
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? -
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die? -
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? -
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go
to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family
affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.
20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and
unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of
Virginia
PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian)
THE FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It’s her pet (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
brilliant!!
“If you have something bottled up inside of you, go straight to the snake shaker.”
That’s a quote from Ben Crane in a workout video recently released on his website (bencranegolf.com). Crane is a nine-year veteran on the PGA Tour, who has three wins, career earnings of more than $13 million, and a reputation for having as much personality as a dollar bill. So who knew he had a spoof video worthy of Saturday Night Live bottled up inside of him?
“People think of me as being Christian and a slow player,” says Ben Crane. “And both of those are associated with being no fun.”
Which is why Crane, his caddie, Joel Stock, and a close friend, Sam Martin, went to the gym at Vaquero in Westlake, Tex., and cut a 70-second takeoff of Crane working out. The goal: help tear down his dull image.
“If the image of tour players is X, my image is X times two,” says Crane. “I’m serious about my relationship with Christ, walking with Jesus, my wife, my family and I play slow, but ask people close to me, they’ll tell you there’s more to me than just that.”
Crane says his mini-production team took a day in May for the shoot, and then sat on the release of the video for a few months, until they were able to show it to Crane’s sponsors. “Sam and I make a perfect team,” says Crane. “He’s creative and very good at what he does; I have a rock-solid image of being boring.”
The feedback from sponsors was unanimous – it’s hysterical. But the video wouldn’t have floated the stream of social media if it didn’t get the approval of Crane’s toughest critic, Heather, his wife. “My wife is the best judge of funny,” says Crane. “There’s no courtesy laugh in her. When she said it was funny, we knew we might have something.”
Crane said he first enjoyed some measure of comedic success when he made a video short for a friend’s birthday party. The friend was Mike Meldman, CEO of the Discovery Land Co., and the party was well attended by celebrities, including George Clooney.
“(Clooney) must’ve have told me three times how much he liked it,” Crane said. “He said we made the party.”
Crane gives credit to Greg Rose of the Titleist Performance Institute for coming up with the idea of shooting a workout video. Look for more to come. “This will not be a one-hit wonder,” says Crane. “Maybe not every one will be this funny, but we have more in the pipeline.”
Crane spoke to me as we speak, “from the now, in the middle of now.” Watch the video. It will all make sense.
–Matt Ginella
Best physique ever!
Sweet Dreams.
Highschool hurdles… the greatest event on earth You Can Do it.