On the topic of Carl
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LymeOcJyJtg&feature=related
Dave Barry’s colonoscopy journal:
======================
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'.
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea! Really! I slept through it!One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'Thank you kit-kat, for that little gem! Toooooooo funny. 
After spending plenty of time in a hot and sunny place (Iraq/Kuwait) and plenty of starting pistols( aka…AK-47’s), I am back in the US to run with the head winds and rains of Seattle and REAL starter pistols…
And, I can get on CF.com anytime and not have to worry about the internet going out because of dust storms…
Thanks for holding my space in line…woot woot…
Welcome back!!
Yeah, welcome home.
I always hated yoga…
But it looks like everyone can benefit!
http://www.humour.com/Images/AffichageImageZoneNoire.asp?VIDImage=14938&VIDThemeImage=11
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC-9SCmBOHc&feature=player_embedded
http://bitsandpieces.us/2009/09/11/when-caffeine-isnt-enough/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZ__cOytkW0&feature=player_embedded
Hitler’s reaction to Usain Bolt’s record run…
http://www.break.com/index/the-worst-job-ever.html
I always wanted to be a recovery and regeneration specialist for swimsuit models…
Missing Lynx effect sparks litigation
STAFF REPORTER
November 2, 2009 - 3:59PM
The makers of Lynx deodorant are being sued by an Indian man who claims he used their products for seven years but failed to attract the opposite sex.
Vaibhav Bedi, 26, wants Unilever to compensate him $91,000 for the “depression and psychological damage” caused by a lack of any “Lynx effect”, the Daily Record reports.
Some adverts for Lynx - marketed as Axe in India - show beautiful women seemingly becoming entranced by those who use the products.
“The company cheated me because in its advertisements, it says women will be attracted to you if you use Axe … I used it for seven years but no girl came to me,” Mr Bedi said in his court petition.
A New Delhi court has accepted half-used body washes, shampoos, anti-perspirants and hair gels for forensic testing in the case.
Unilever has refused to comment on the lawsuit but Mr Bedi’s lawyer Ram Jethmalani has urged the company to settle out of court.
“There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women,” the Daily Record quoted him as saying.
“In fact, some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys.”
http://www.watoday.com.au/world/missing-lynx-effect-sparks-litigation-20091102-htab.html
That’s because the ugly guys were stinking rich. 
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0. What I have noticed is a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications, which had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as Sport 7.3, NFL 3.2 and Tennis 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Your faithfully
Desperate Susan
[i]Dear Desperate Susan,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce viruses into the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can’t learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Home Cooking 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5. Finally consider applications such as Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his hardware).
Good Luck
Tech Support[/i]
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant
neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since
Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass
will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with
money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just
as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as
many morons.