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Excuse me

I think it is time I break the silence, allot of things have changed in my life. And allot of things have changed within me. As an athlete maybe a person and where the sport of athletics, lies in my life. Back in august I totally walked away from athletics, lets just say its was a combination of training on my own, a injurie, being embarrassed. And I have never been embarrassed in my life about myself. And slower being demolished, and physically damaged and emotionally.

Lets talk about here and now.

Last year I took what most students would call a “gap year” some people go traveling, get a job, I don’t know fly to the moon. I did try and get a job, come December time my mum dragged me to the dole office to sign on. It was a dramatic experience, signing on. But soon, I got used to it, I was quite popular in the building after a few months. 9 months in total I spent on the dole.

yeah I tell you more about those times. Getting my jobseekers stop, the second coming, avoiding New Deal. “So many things I did, and survived somehow”

But now I am in University “Sport studies”, stilling living at home, in Liverpool. Its been hard adjusting to this lifestyle again, its always a battle with myself. Because my organization, and punctuality is bad, I have made a bad start and will need to produce greatest to survive. Listen I hear other students thinking they are bad, am the baddest of the lot. I am prettier snow white, badder than Mike Tyson.

I feel like a kid again at primary school.

In September I started Boxing. I am no total stranger, I did it for 2 years in high school. But in year 11, left to do athletics again. 3 times aweek I attend my gym same stadium I trained at last year, same walked on the drive, only now it’s the noise of leather hitting bags, loud banter, and the loneliness place on earth “The ring”. I already know all the trainers, first day I was there I said I want to fight. “ Big Mistake” also my mate trains in Toxteth, I might visit there nexted week, see some faces. Also Mike is still alive, and goes to boxing with me, his own place aswell.

You see my ego, I am emotional destroyed from last year, I am a hurt individual. I cannot dedicate to athletics no more day in day out, can’t live like that. But I know I have to stay in shape, as athletes we fight emotionally and physically. I run on the streets, I lift weights, I am put through countless condition drills, we even sprint, interval training on Sundays with England boxing coach. I will fight amateur, because I think it is disrespectful if I didn’t plus I want to challenged myself. Prove I am still the man, the ring is the loneliness place on earth, its only you and your thoughts. It turns cocky people into, scared shy individuals, turns shy boys into men, its will and is testing my character, I have came home like a kid upset talking to my mum.

Taking a new approach to my sprinting, and its all about competing, I just want to compete. Knowing I am in condition. I don’t really want to train 3 days aweek on the track, with a group. Can’t do it no more, emotionally and I will not enjoy it. I was there 3 days aweek by myself last year. My group are at their new joint, maybe I will join them once aweek, I honestly can’t say right now. I need to keep in contact, because I have basically vanished.

I will just compete, and not worry about things. Then maybe I will enjoy it.

I am no coward, and I know deep down that I cannot really walk away. I am a sensitive, and deep person, I don’t walk around with make up on my face, when I say something or praise you I mean it.

“I won’t be taking the piss up I here, like I did last year, I mean before I deleted that journal, I had post that was about, “Getting up in the morning, and running to the Dole centre, in jeans and air force ones” Its sad I have everything but decided to be demented most of the time.

I am not gonna be arrogant or disrespectful. Expect honest, dynamic, unpredictable updates.

In February, I look to compete indoors, that would be nice.

Bye

xxxxxxx

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Bollocks…just get it done!

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hehe…exactly.

Rupert
CharlieFrancis.com

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[b]“How the kid returned, psychologically”

Part 1 of 3[/b]

Yes today was all fitness, 2x5000m on rowing machine. I came up in the gym about 6, but some Bob Marley on, the Music system.

Also Wednesday I will start attending Circuit training, In the stadium. You see it was my mates idea, plus the girls there are nice why not.

I have been thinking, about running 60m on 7th of February Indoors, orginally it was 25th of Feb i was gonna play but i think my f*ucking mind is changing, right now every second. Now I may not have been on a track since August 2006, but I don’t care. The way am feeling right now, am feelin good, let me see how a sprint I just feel like it. You see psychologically people look over this part of athletes. Most of the time its all physical, too much emphasis on this. You know and I admit I have a fear of failing, and loosing it has it affects me. I have my own philosophy on things, and psychologically. Boxing has helped me allot, what separate great athletes in any sport from good, is Physiologically their mind set. You know when people have psychological problems, sometimes you see a psychiatrist, a doctor. It’s a overlook thing in sport, the England football team had a sports psychologist working with them, it was all about creating one mind set, a reduces the fear of failing

Simplified it, don’t make things complicated. I was 10 years old sprinting races in the playground, on the streets on my block. If i would get call a ngger I would fight you, kick the sht out of you. I even beat up my own mate multiple times, just because he gave be a Brown lollipop, i actually enjoyed it. The boxing gym is like a psychological therapy to me, it etheir makes you or breaks you.

Part 2 coming soon

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Part 2

Sometimes, as athletes you have to overcome barriers, psychological barriers, EVEN IN Life to survive. I went to see a psychiatrist, this psychiatrist doesn’t say much but he gets violent, he gets these people who want to fight, puts them infront of you then you got to deal with them. I don’t pay to see this psychiatrist, he doesn’t want your money, he wants your confidents, some blood, sweat.

“Belly of the beast” it you ant’s strong enough, it will digest you, and your good as dead.

You know I lie allot, I act. But it’s a mechanism to surive get out there and train. When am feelin bad, i will tell myself am feelin good.

So yeah it was a Thursday, and I packed my bag, and went to my appointment to see my psychiatrist. That’s what I call the “Boxing Gym” the Track I call it a “My Woman”, because I can do anything to her, she will stay Laying there waiting for me to come back, she never complains, because I think she understands me.

So yes I was in the changing rooms, I was early I just sat there will my top off, on one of the chairs, just thinking. People started to come into the gym, today another club was in are gym, 8 boxers, ready to spar. Its pre-competition sparring. Its different when it’s another club visiting, its war.

The other club was in the separate changing rooms. I sense a very tense atmosphere, I got butterflys in my belly. Even though I wasn’t sparring. Gary Jones 1998 commonwealth Bronze medalist, had a look that affected me. Kurt, was walking up and down banging his gloves together saying he is gonna knock someone out.

As we where warming up, I saw Kurt stop and talk to one of the trainers. “He had dropped out of sparring” I was then asked if I wanted to spar, to make up for numbers, I said yes. Even though I had only been back 3weeks, I thought why not.

I got my gear on, and was just walking about, watching other people fighting. The week before, I told people that “I think its about time, I get off pads, and practice on someone’s face” I was cocky, telling ranked 2 Thai Boxer in Britain and 20 amateur boxing fights, that I will knock him out”.

When I stepped in the ring, I looked into my opponents eyes, and he just looked angry, he must have been 6”2. But I wouldn’t say I was scared.

My training gave us instructions then said box. I dance about for abit, he could’nt really get me. But then, BOOM, big right hand right in my face. I just stoped still and took afew shots, then reacted with one right hook. “I knew something inside was’nt working psychologically” for 2 rounds it went on like this, on afew occasions on lookers, I would here then go oowwwwww for some of the shots I was taking. After sparred another guy, he was a big guy, and had a scar right down his face. I done, much better but still something inside was not right.

“I was dejected after that training session, I felt like crying” people kept shaking my hand but I was upset. Kurt approaches me, and says “I want to spar you on Thursday” I knew what he was playing at he thought he could get me mentally. I walked home that day thinking upset, but I knew I would have to return. I phoned my friend, talked to him he boxers for another club and I spoke to my mum, I said to my mum when I was fighting I was just neutral no viciousness there, I didn’t like the way I was reacting. There was no turning back from this point I said, psychologically I will fix this. It took up until now, to realize psychologically that “The Kid” laying dormant. He needed something to wake him up, only when you are cornered, do you find something inside, to push yourself on.

Kurt made a big mistake, the little beaten I took, woke him, who? The Kid.

“Thursday would be the last time he ever stepped back in that gym”

[b]I have overcome a psychogicall barrier, these past few months, i am re programming the mind, for competition, been reversing the mind, I have books on “Sports psychologically, how Steve Collins used it before Chris Eubank, how Frank Bruno, England football team. An athlete with no compassion is a serious competitor.

It’s not over. Positive, Mental, Attitude. “Linford Christie”

I want to compete indoors ether sometime in February.[/b]

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I think your psychological barrier is that you hardley ever actually run in meets.

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There was a reason why i only competed 3 times last year, including training, injury. Last year took allot out of me emtionally.

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:slight_smile:

EDITED