I found this list, bizarrely, on the website of the trade union of UK immigration officials. Most of them are the familiar oldies but still goodies. The ‘Risque Balls’ near the bottom (oo-er, missus) are good.
First let’s hear from the man who started it all…
“And here’s Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago” (David Coleman)
“Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs”
“And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand”
“There’s going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes.”
“There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people”
“She’s not Ben Johnson - but then who is?”
Over to you, Motty…
“I was about to say, before something far more interesting interrupted …” France v Bulgaria
“And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren’t ever in it anyway.”
“For those of you watching in Black and White, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip”
Motty on form in the Columbia v Tunisia game, after Tunisia made a substitution: “They’ve now got Ben Younes, Ben Ahmed and Ben Slimane. I think we’ll have to stick to using just their surnames.” Sure enough he went on to refer to them as Younes, Ahmed and Slimane.
Terry Venables…
“Apart from their goals, Norway haven’t scored”
“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again”
“If you can’t stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen.”
Jimmy Hill: “Don’t sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?”
Terry Venables: “I think it’s fifty - fifty.”
Come on in, Brian, the water’s lovely…
“Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.”
“Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman”
“Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose”
“That would have been a goal if the goalkeeper hadn’t saved it”
“I came to Nantes two years ago and it’s much the same today, except that it’s completely different”
“A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off”
“They [Rosenborg] have won 66 games, and they’ve scored in all of them.”
Now some Big Rons… (I was in a lift with him once)
“Zidane is not very happy, because he’s suffering from the wind”
“He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it - you can see it all over their faces”
“They’ve picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders”
“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw” “He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate”
“I’m afraid they’ve left their legs at home”
“Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard”
“I know where he should have put his flag up, and he’d have got plenty of help”
“There’s nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch.” - Ron lauds Gordon Strachan, 39.
“I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat”
“I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.”
World Cup Specials
“Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who’s facing him” - David Pleat
“Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball” - Ian St John
“I wouldn’t be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish” - Ian St John
“The Croatians don’t play well without the ball” - Barry Venison
“It had to go in, but it didn’t” - Peter Drury
“That’s lifted the crowd up into the air” - Barry Davies
“He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss.” - Bobby Robson
Kevin Keegan - enough said…
“The good news for Nigeria is that they’re two-nil down very early in the game”
“Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders”
“Only one team can win this game - and that team is England” (closely followed by Brian’s: “But wait a minute, here’s Dan Petrescu…!”)
“Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him…”
“Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.”
“Sometimes there are too many generals and not enough, er, people waving to the generals as they, er, walk past.”
Murray Walkerballs
“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite”
“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical”
“Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers”
“This is the last penultimate lap but one.” [Thanks, Jean!]
A mixed bag of also rans…
“Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams…” - Morton fans taunting the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia.
“I’ve told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones” - Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.
“Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don’t pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence.” - NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer’s positioning.
“I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered” - George Best.
“If we played like that every week we wouldn’t be so inconsistent” - Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.
“That’s great, tell him he’s Pele and get him back on.” - John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
“I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs…” - Andy Gray, Sky Sport
Richard Keys : “Well Roy, do you think that you’ll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league?”
Roy Evans : “You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard.”
“It’s now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday.” - Radio 5 Live
“Football today, it’s like a game of chess. It’s all about money.” - NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live
“I’m not a believer in luck… but I do believe you need it.” - ALAN BALL
“Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I’m sure today’s won’t be any different.” - TREVOR BROOKING
“Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead.” - TOM FERRIE
“And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley…unless somebody knocks us out.” - DAVE BASSETT
“And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.” - PETER JONES
“What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal.” - JIMMY HILL
“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” - DAVID ACFIELD
“What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio” - Gerry Francis
“John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday.” - New York Post (1993)
“If there weren’t such a thing as football, we’d all be frustrated footballers.” - Mick Lyons
“He’s one of those footballers whose brains are in his head” - Derek Johnstone, BBC TV Scotland (1994)
“The crowd think that Todd handled the ball… they must have seen something that nobody else did” - Barry Davies (1975)
“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel” - Stuart Pearce (1992)
“If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can’t swim” - Berti Vogts, Germany coach
“You don’t have to have been a horse to be a jockey” - Arrigo Sacchi, Italy coach, defending a meagre playing record
“Love is good for footballers, as long as it is not at half-time” - Richard Moller Nielsen, Denmark coach
“Why didn’t you just belt it son?” - Gareth Southgate’s mother reflects publicly on her son’s penalty miss
“The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney” - Dean Holdsworth, Wimbledon
“I was shocked when I was first introduced to the fans because they brought out a sheep, cut its head off and then smeared blood over my forehead” - Manchester United’s Ronnie Johnsen on life with Besiktas, Turkey
“If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them” - Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game
“The score is Sunderland nil, Leicester nil, the temperature is nil and the entertainment value is not much above nil” - Sunderland v Leicester, Radio 5 Live
“I think having Wasps around here as well gives us that little buzz around the place” - Ray Wilkins on the QPR-Wasps groundshare
“This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players” - praise for the Under-21s from Javier Clemente, Spain’s coach
“There are some great defenders here, I just don’t know their names” - David Ginola of Newcastle and France
“It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up” - Ian Wright on the Arsenal captain’s confession to alcoholism
“It’s sod’s law. Now I’ve got time to improve my golf it’s the wrong time of year” - Howard Wilkinson when sacked by Leeds
“The referee was booking everyone. I thought he was filling in his lottery numbers” - Ian Wright
“Asking Ruud Gullit to perform in this sort of match is like asking Kiri te Kanawa to jam with the Spice Girls” - 5 Live’s Pat Murphy on the lousy pitch at Derby and the ill-tempered nature of the game
“Once Tony Daley opens his legs you’ve got a problem” (Howard Wilkinson)
After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: “We didn’t underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought” (Bobby Robson)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: “It was like being in a foreign country” (Ian Rush)
“Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator” (John Arlott)
“Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand.” (Ted Lowe)
“Ah! Isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew” (Harry Carpenter)
“Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play” (Peter Lorenzo)
“We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised” (Ian McNail)
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body” (Winston Bennett)
“I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad that I won rather than lost” (Frank Bruno)
“Henry Horton’s got a funny stance. It looks as if he’s shitting on a shooting stick.” (Brian Johnston)
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father” (Greg Norman)
“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious” (Alan Minter)
“The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It’s long and square” (Trevor Bailey)
“The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball” (John Francome)
“Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running” (Ron Pickering)
“Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales” (Ron Greenwood)
“A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin” (Jo Sheldon)
“The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation” (Ron Pickering)
“That’s inches away from being millimetre perfect” (Ted Lowe)
“Bobby Gould thinks I’m trying to stab him in the back. In fact I’m right behind him” (Stuart Pearson)
“I’ll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right” (Marlon Starling)
“I can’t tell who’s leading - It’s either Oxford or Cambridge” (John Snagge - Boat Race)
“The Queen’s Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round.” (Tony Crozier)
“The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day.” CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard
“What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?” STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live
“Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot.” RAY WILKINS, BBC1
“I’ve got a gut feeling in my stomach…” ALAN SUGAR, BBC1
“Johnson has revelled in the ‘hole’ behind Dwight Yorke…” Carling FA Premiership WWW Page
“An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal.” DAVE BASSETT, Sky Sports
“Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals.” PETER WITHE, Radio 5 Live
“You don’t score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals.” ALAN GREEN, Radio 5 Live
“What’s it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it’s like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal…” SIMON FANSHAWE, Talk Radio
“What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio”-Gerry Francis
“And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards…” PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special
“The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost’s eyes.” STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live
“The lads really ran their socks into the ground.” ALEX FERGUSON
“Brian Laudrup wasn’t just facing one defender - he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well.” TREVOR STEVEN, STV
“It’s now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday.” Radio 5 Live
“…but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals.” TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day
“He’s an excellent player, but he [Ian Wright] does have a black side.” GARY LINEKER, BBC
“We say `educated left foot’… of course, there are many players with educated right foots.” RON JONES, Radio 5 Live
“That’s twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the goal.” BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live
“We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps.” BRUCE RIOCH, ITV
“… and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string…” IAN DARKE, Radio 5
David Pleat during the United States’ game against Iran: “He had to cut back inside onto his left foot because he literally hasn’t got a right foot.”
Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald: “Sex is an anti-climax after that!”
Desmond Lynam: “Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that”
“To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.” - Ruud Gullit
“Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy.” - Jimmy Magee, RTE
“This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.” - Ted Walsh (Horse Racing Commentator)
“We’ll still be happy if we lose. The game’s on at the same time as the Beer Festival” - Noel O’ Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich
“I’d like to play for an Italian club , like Barcelona” - Mark Draper (Aston Villa)
Richard Keys: “Ooh! that’s a serious injury, isn’t it Alan?” Alan Shearer: “Well I dunno, depends if its serious…” (Sky Sports 11/5/03)
RISQUE-BALLS
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s come in his shorts.”
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards’ tyres on World Superbikes: “Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now.”
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: “She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.”
Winning Post’s Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy’s formidable lead: “Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees.”
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: “Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.”
During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: “Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green.”
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: “With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.”
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?”
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.”
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott’s breath away. “My word,” he said. “Look at that magnificent erection.”
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: “They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions.”
Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: “There’s something big growing between my legs.”
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”
And finally:
Is this remark, by Cable TV’s John Dykes when Wayne Rooney tried to chip the Gunners‘ keeper in the last minute of Arsenal’s defeat at Everton, the best-ever Seaman pun?:
“It must be a young man that tries to lob Seaman twice in two minutes…”
Tommy Cooper jokes
And just as an afterthought… it’s not soccer-related, but just to correct any news reports you may have heard describing Bob Hope (who never said a funny word in his life, as far as I can tell) as the “king of one-liners”, here are some of Tommy Cooper’s…
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.’
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please? ’ And a voice said ‘You are.’
So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.” "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " “Is it common?” “It’s not unusual.”
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” "What? Because he’s cross-eyed? " “No, because he’s really heavy”
Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start”
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, ‘no, the steaks are too high.’
“I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs… but she’s good with the kids…”
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “your round.” The Other one says “so are you, you fat b*stard”
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
Cos it’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream’ He said Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
I went to Millets and said ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said ‘To camp?’, I said (butchly) ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’ I said ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said ‘Camper?’ I said (campily) ‘Make your mind up.’
So I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said "My dog’s died.’" “Now, most dentist’s chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual’. And the dentist said to me ‘Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.’”
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.’
