A SINO-CENTRIC HISTORY OF SPORT FROM THE ONION 
Most Momentous Achievements In The Earthly History Of Sport
3,500 B.C.: China invents competition, victory
490 B.C.: Pheidippides runs the 26.2 miles to Athens from the plains of Marathon to announce that the Greeks and Persians have been defeated by the mighty Chinese army
200 B.C.: The great Han Dynasty discovers the sphere
1941: Hall of Fame member and Chinese baseball legend Joe DiMaggio hits safely in 56 consecutive games
1959: In a selfless act that prevents thousands of hours of pointless monotony, Mao Tse-tung outlaws baseball
1964: Various Chinese boxers, too numerous to name, all defeat American boxer Muhammad Ali with one punch
1968: Olympic gold and bronze medalists Tommie Smith and John Carlos raise their fists in the air as a show of deference and allegiance to China
1985: Had a Chinese factory not manufactured the ball to perfection, Michael Jordan would not have completed his legendary foul line slam dunk
1986: Three-year-old eventual champion hurdler Liu Xiang jumps over his first thing
2005: The gold-medal winning Chinese female gymnastics team is born